(week 25)
Okay... I'm obviously in a goofy mood but seriously... I'm buying a bra every two weeks - this is just silly.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Dispatch reinforcements!
Support needed immediately!
(week 25)
Okay... I'm obviously in a goofy mood but seriously... I'm buying a bra every two weeks - this is just silly.
(week 25)
Okay... I'm obviously in a goofy mood but seriously... I'm buying a bra every two weeks - this is just silly.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Holy Charley Horse
Things are still going well. I managed to only plump up a slight bit over the Thanksgiving holiday which took some willpower and effort on my part. Well, that and four solid days of walking around LA probably helped a bit too.
Still feeling pretty good - even impressing my coworkers with my energy and willingness to 'hang tough' at the late night holiday parties. I'll admit it's a very different perspective to be the sober one in the crowd, but it's been fun none-the-less and I feel good right now, so I'm eager to take advantage of all the social activities I can fit into my calendar. I have a feeling that I may be in for some tougher times in the months to come.
As a bit of foreshadowing I'm beginning to ache at the end of the day as my hips and knees soften up from the hormones and my back always feels like it needs to crack, but I don't have enough range of motion to pop it anymore. The toughest part so far has been the heartburn and the vicious charley horse cramps that wake me up from a dead sleep.
Got me wondering the other day about how odd that term "charley horse" really is, so I did a little research and what I found out is... no one seems to really know the origin. It's an American colloquialism that seems to be rooted in baseball, but that's about all the research seems to agree on. Here are some of the more common theories which I found pretty amusing :
- A lame horse named Charley pulled the roller on the Chicago White Sox ballpark in the 1890s. That's the most commonly repeated version but appears to be false because the phrase appears to be older than the horse.
- Policemen in 17th century England were supposed to be called Charleys and the term migrated to America. The amount of walking the police were required to do gave them aching legs. This seems fanciful. I can't confirm the use of the term Charleys for police in England or America and there seems nothing to explain the link with baseball.
- The pitcher Charley Radbourne was nicknamed Old Hoss. He got cramp during a baseball game in the 1880s. After that baseball players refered to leg cramps as "Charley Hoss". This at least is plausible and has no obvious fault to rule it out, but that's not enough to prove it is the origin.
Still feeling pretty good - even impressing my coworkers with my energy and willingness to 'hang tough' at the late night holiday parties. I'll admit it's a very different perspective to be the sober one in the crowd, but it's been fun none-the-less and I feel good right now, so I'm eager to take advantage of all the social activities I can fit into my calendar. I have a feeling that I may be in for some tougher times in the months to come.
As a bit of foreshadowing I'm beginning to ache at the end of the day as my hips and knees soften up from the hormones and my back always feels like it needs to crack, but I don't have enough range of motion to pop it anymore. The toughest part so far has been the heartburn and the vicious charley horse cramps that wake me up from a dead sleep.
Got me wondering the other day about how odd that term "charley horse" really is, so I did a little research and what I found out is... no one seems to really know the origin. It's an American colloquialism that seems to be rooted in baseball, but that's about all the research seems to agree on. Here are some of the more common theories which I found pretty amusing :
- A lame horse named Charley pulled the roller on the Chicago White Sox ballpark in the 1890s. That's the most commonly repeated version but appears to be false because the phrase appears to be older than the horse.
- Policemen in 17th century England were supposed to be called Charleys and the term migrated to America. The amount of walking the police were required to do gave them aching legs. This seems fanciful. I can't confirm the use of the term Charleys for police in England or America and there seems nothing to explain the link with baseball.
- The pitcher Charley Radbourne was nicknamed Old Hoss. He got cramp during a baseball game in the 1880s. After that baseball players refered to leg cramps as "Charley Hoss". This at least is plausible and has no obvious fault to rule it out, but that's not enough to prove it is the origin.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Baby Enough
(Week 23)
Okay... I suck at interior decorating and I'm even worse at setting up a nursery. I still can't bring myself to dive in and start the gear shopping. The idea of Babies R Us gives me hives and online shopping is slow and tedious. I just want to walk in somewhere and walk out an hour later with everything I need - is that even possible?
I'm having trouble getting in the mood and my baby phobias make it hard to sort through swatches of pastel choo choo trains and tweety birds, so I'm trying to focus on artwork first for inspiration. I've latched on to a few that border on creepy, so I'm going to ask for some outside opinions.
Are any of these 'baby enough'?
Okay... I suck at interior decorating and I'm even worse at setting up a nursery. I still can't bring myself to dive in and start the gear shopping. The idea of Babies R Us gives me hives and online shopping is slow and tedious. I just want to walk in somewhere and walk out an hour later with everything I need - is that even possible?
I'm having trouble getting in the mood and my baby phobias make it hard to sort through swatches of pastel choo choo trains and tweety birds, so I'm trying to focus on artwork first for inspiration. I've latched on to a few that border on creepy, so I'm going to ask for some outside opinions.
Are any of these 'baby enough'?
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Careful What You Wish For
(week 21)
I've felt subtle squirming sensations since about 12 weeks, but nothing too noticeable and I couldn't quite be certain it was baby moving and not just digestion. About three weeks ago it started to be pretty obvious the feelings were something new. It catches me by surprise usually about a half hour after eating.
Blaine has been pretty jealous of this and can't wait to feel it himself. He lays his hand on my belly and leans in close to talk to him and make him stir. No luck until just a few days ago when he felt the little kicks for the first time.
Blaine's absolutely ecstatic, but I'm starting to regret rushing these milestones. It's like that moment somehow transformed the bean into the lord of the dance and now the little guy is preforming a tap dance routine on my bladder every 40mins or so.
Something tells me these little numbers just get more frequent and uncomfortable from here.
I've felt subtle squirming sensations since about 12 weeks, but nothing too noticeable and I couldn't quite be certain it was baby moving and not just digestion. About three weeks ago it started to be pretty obvious the feelings were something new. It catches me by surprise usually about a half hour after eating.
Blaine has been pretty jealous of this and can't wait to feel it himself. He lays his hand on my belly and leans in close to talk to him and make him stir. No luck until just a few days ago when he felt the little kicks for the first time.
Blaine's absolutely ecstatic, but I'm starting to regret rushing these milestones. It's like that moment somehow transformed the bean into the lord of the dance and now the little guy is preforming a tap dance routine on my bladder every 40mins or so.
Something tells me these little numbers just get more frequent and uncomfortable from here.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
*WARNING* Curves Ahead
... I'm not kidding, don't read all the way through this if you're uncomfortable with too much skin.
So, I have to tell you, I haven't been entirely honest with you. I actually have had dozens of vivid dreams that I remember well enough to post about. The problem is that my dreams have been wildly violent. I was just worried that they would be too disturbing. The truth is, that's one of the big reasons I really thought we had a boy on the way. My theory is that these dreams are the result of my subconscious getting dosed with a bit of testosterone. If it wasn't a boy, then I just didn't have any good explanation for all the action, so I'm rather relieved about the way things have turned out.
I celebrated yesterday by going out and making my first baby purchase. Brought home a little Star Wars onesie for Blaine along with a pecan pie for dessert. I think it all made him pretty happy!
In the midst of prepping for our adventure out to LA, I got distracted in the studio again. Spent all night trying to work out how to do the rim lighting technique I use to love so much. I think I've almost got it, but it's REALLY hard to do for self portraits. I hope I get some brave mommas in the future who'll let me take pictures of them instead so I can really nail this one down.
Okay, without being able to tweak the lighting and frame the composition... I end up with this. It totally looks like Alfred Hitchcock & makes me giggle!
.
So, I have to tell you, I haven't been entirely honest with you. I actually have had dozens of vivid dreams that I remember well enough to post about. The problem is that my dreams have been wildly violent. I was just worried that they would be too disturbing. The truth is, that's one of the big reasons I really thought we had a boy on the way. My theory is that these dreams are the result of my subconscious getting dosed with a bit of testosterone. If it wasn't a boy, then I just didn't have any good explanation for all the action, so I'm rather relieved about the way things have turned out.
I celebrated yesterday by going out and making my first baby purchase. Brought home a little Star Wars onesie for Blaine along with a pecan pie for dessert. I think it all made him pretty happy!
In the midst of prepping for our adventure out to LA, I got distracted in the studio again. Spent all night trying to work out how to do the rim lighting technique I use to love so much. I think I've almost got it, but it's REALLY hard to do for self portraits. I hope I get some brave mommas in the future who'll let me take pictures of them instead so I can really nail this one down.
Okay, without being able to tweak the lighting and frame the composition... I end up with this. It totally looks like Alfred Hitchcock & makes me giggle!
.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Half Way
Always a noteworthy and bittersweet moment. I've never could decide about the glass being half full or half empty, since it's obviously both and that's the beauty of it.
Today is that day. We are halfway to becoming parents which means 5 months left to sleep in, read books, go out to movies, go out dancing and what.. what else do we need to do before we miss it because we can't?
It's hard to imagine I've still got 5 months left and it just gets harder from here.
It's scary to think we only have 5 months left to get everything ready.
It's too close and too far all at the same time.
Luckily on the day of this torturous cross roads, a wonderful distraction has presented itself in order to keep me from pondering the good and the bad for too long.
We had our ultrasound this morning and confirmed that intuition has won out... it's a boy! It's so exciting to know and really start to imagine what this new little person is going to be like.
Last night I dreamed of drawing this announcement on my board at work, so that's the first thing I did when I got in this morning! Kept me grinning ear to ear all day long! Pictures and such coming soon.
Today is that day. We are halfway to becoming parents which means 5 months left to sleep in, read books, go out to movies, go out dancing and what.. what else do we need to do before we miss it because we can't?
It's hard to imagine I've still got 5 months left and it just gets harder from here.
It's scary to think we only have 5 months left to get everything ready.
It's too close and too far all at the same time.
Luckily on the day of this torturous cross roads, a wonderful distraction has presented itself in order to keep me from pondering the good and the bad for too long.
We had our ultrasound this morning and confirmed that intuition has won out... it's a boy! It's so exciting to know and really start to imagine what this new little person is going to be like.
Last night I dreamed of drawing this announcement on my board at work, so that's the first thing I did when I got in this morning! Kept me grinning ear to ear all day long! Pictures and such coming soon.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Wishbone #2
(week 19)
I'm not sure how many of you are up to speed on your maternity literature, but there is often a tendency to equate fetal progress with the produce department. We've been through seeds, blueberries, raisins, beans, grapes, lemons, oranges, tomatoes and have now reached the honorable mango stage. Only this time they add all sorts of unpleasant details and describe it more accurately as a fuzzy mango covered in thick layer of greasy butter. YUM!
Despite the less than appetizing fruit reference, we are starting to get pretty excited. The fear and surreal disbelief are melting away and being replaced with full blown giddiness. Now that I can feel the little one squirming and stretching in there, it all seems much more real and possible.
Next week is the ultrasound which should tell us if we're expecting a boy or a girl, as long a baby isn't shy that is. So, the fun begins with the guessing game. I don't think either of us have a very strong preference, but it's like the super bowl and it just isn't any fun unless you pick sides and root for one team or the other, so right now, we both are guessing boy... but we'll see!
We pulled a wishbone last week and I won this time, fair and square! It will be a battle now between intuition which says boy and superstition which should grant me a girl, either way we can't wait :)
I'm not sure how many of you are up to speed on your maternity literature, but there is often a tendency to equate fetal progress with the produce department. We've been through seeds, blueberries, raisins, beans, grapes, lemons, oranges, tomatoes and have now reached the honorable mango stage. Only this time they add all sorts of unpleasant details and describe it more accurately as a fuzzy mango covered in thick layer of greasy butter. YUM!
Despite the less than appetizing fruit reference, we are starting to get pretty excited. The fear and surreal disbelief are melting away and being replaced with full blown giddiness. Now that I can feel the little one squirming and stretching in there, it all seems much more real and possible.
Next week is the ultrasound which should tell us if we're expecting a boy or a girl, as long a baby isn't shy that is. So, the fun begins with the guessing game. I don't think either of us have a very strong preference, but it's like the super bowl and it just isn't any fun unless you pick sides and root for one team or the other, so right now, we both are guessing boy... but we'll see!
We pulled a wishbone last week and I won this time, fair and square! It will be a battle now between intuition which says boy and superstition which should grant me a girl, either way we can't wait :)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Button Countdown
... not long now before my belly button turns inside out.
I'm really not looking forward to that day.
Does it hurt?
I'm really not looking forward to that day.
Does it hurt?
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Halloween and such
(Week 18)
Weeks have gone by and I'm happy to say I have no real news to share. I've reached cruising altitude and all is well, feeling perfectly normal actually, aside from wondering how I'm going to manage to keep putting on my shoes and having an unusual urge to rearrange my furniture and reorganize all my closets.
October has been busy and just flew by in a wink. We fostered a few batches of puppies for a local rescue organization. It was wonderful to help out and good practice as well, but proved to be a bit too much for me right now given the long hour's Blaine's been putting in. So, we took a 'break' to focus on home improvements instead. We got some much needed shelving delivered and finally unpacked the entire camera collection for display (it's quite overwhelming in it's entirety). This freed up valuable storage space and led to a two week cycle of rearranging, unpacking & reorganizing... and repeat. It feels wonderful to make some headway and start to really get unpacked and settled, but it's a bit disheartening to see how quickly all the space we make just seems to get filled back up with stuff immediately - sometime is feels like we are digging a hole in the sand at the water's edge. I really just want a dumpster at this point.
At the same time, we got new doors and windows delivered. Our friend Bob helped us replace all three sliding doors in our sunroom and rewired the electric to boot. It's just the beginning of our home improvements but it's already made a HUGE difference in how warm the house is.
Halloween is always very popular among our friends and we often end up at many different parties for days on end with several costume changes along the way. This year we scaled back our participation quite a bit and opted opted to keep things simple and cheap and just do face paint for our one main costume Saturday night. It was still a lot of fun.
Next came preparations for a birthday party we threw for a friend this Friday. It gave us a reason to clean everything up which feels wonderful, but MAN was it a lot of work. Now the holidays are just around the corner.
So for baby news... feeling great, getting big and still having high intensity action dreams. I'm not eating as well as I could be, not exercising as much as I should and I've pretty much overdosed on maternity literature... bring on Month 5!
Weeks have gone by and I'm happy to say I have no real news to share. I've reached cruising altitude and all is well, feeling perfectly normal actually, aside from wondering how I'm going to manage to keep putting on my shoes and having an unusual urge to rearrange my furniture and reorganize all my closets.
October has been busy and just flew by in a wink. We fostered a few batches of puppies for a local rescue organization. It was wonderful to help out and good practice as well, but proved to be a bit too much for me right now given the long hour's Blaine's been putting in. So, we took a 'break' to focus on home improvements instead. We got some much needed shelving delivered and finally unpacked the entire camera collection for display (it's quite overwhelming in it's entirety). This freed up valuable storage space and led to a two week cycle of rearranging, unpacking & reorganizing... and repeat. It feels wonderful to make some headway and start to really get unpacked and settled, but it's a bit disheartening to see how quickly all the space we make just seems to get filled back up with stuff immediately - sometime is feels like we are digging a hole in the sand at the water's edge. I really just want a dumpster at this point.
At the same time, we got new doors and windows delivered. Our friend Bob helped us replace all three sliding doors in our sunroom and rewired the electric to boot. It's just the beginning of our home improvements but it's already made a HUGE difference in how warm the house is.
Halloween is always very popular among our friends and we often end up at many different parties for days on end with several costume changes along the way. This year we scaled back our participation quite a bit and opted opted to keep things simple and cheap and just do face paint for our one main costume Saturday night. It was still a lot of fun.
Next came preparations for a birthday party we threw for a friend this Friday. It gave us a reason to clean everything up which feels wonderful, but MAN was it a lot of work. Now the holidays are just around the corner.
So for baby news... feeling great, getting big and still having high intensity action dreams. I'm not eating as well as I could be, not exercising as much as I should and I've pretty much overdosed on maternity literature... bring on Month 5!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Downsides
(Week 14)
Really REALLY... NECK ZITS - that wasn't mentioned in the damn book!
Aside from developing acne that's worse than I ever remember having as a teenager; all is well. I finally found some energy this week and managed to clean up my house for the first time in months. Found all sorts of important things I was missing!
Got a weird dream fragment to share this week, it was another action flick but this time a recognized part of the plot from an episode of law and order.
I was exploring this abandoned factory building on a geocache hunt, finding the hidden prizes by GPS location and replacing them with my own trinkets. Suddenly I get the feeling someone is chasing me. I start racing through the place to find the exit and I realize my dog is with me. We run out onto the street and across this muddy construction site then pause to catch our breath when *POP POP*. Bullets whiz by into the dirt.
I look up and see a creepy guy shooting at us from a balcony of the factory. I start dashing for cover and frantically call my dog to follow. I dive behind this long red shape lying on the ground. Once I get behind it I realize it's actually a canoe (because every one stores extra canoes at industrial construction sites). I pull up the edge and crawl under coaxing my dog to crawl up on my chest so I can fit us both 'safely' inside. Then as I'm lying there with a 20lb boston terrier panting in my face, I begin to realize that an inch of fiberglass really isn't going to be any protection against a bullet. Suddenly my brilliant hiding spot seems a bit more like a convenient coffin.
*then I wake up*
On a lighter note... I'm working out the logistics of what I hope will turn out to be a really cool belly progression shot. Trick is trying to find something I'm comfortable showing my belly in that will actually fit for the whole adventure.
Here's a result from the first test:
Really REALLY... NECK ZITS - that wasn't mentioned in the damn book!
Aside from developing acne that's worse than I ever remember having as a teenager; all is well. I finally found some energy this week and managed to clean up my house for the first time in months. Found all sorts of important things I was missing!
Got a weird dream fragment to share this week, it was another action flick but this time a recognized part of the plot from an episode of law and order.
I was exploring this abandoned factory building on a geocache hunt, finding the hidden prizes by GPS location and replacing them with my own trinkets. Suddenly I get the feeling someone is chasing me. I start racing through the place to find the exit and I realize my dog is with me. We run out onto the street and across this muddy construction site then pause to catch our breath when *POP POP*. Bullets whiz by into the dirt.
I look up and see a creepy guy shooting at us from a balcony of the factory. I start dashing for cover and frantically call my dog to follow. I dive behind this long red shape lying on the ground. Once I get behind it I realize it's actually a canoe (because every one stores extra canoes at industrial construction sites). I pull up the edge and crawl under coaxing my dog to crawl up on my chest so I can fit us both 'safely' inside. Then as I'm lying there with a 20lb boston terrier panting in my face, I begin to realize that an inch of fiberglass really isn't going to be any protection against a bullet. Suddenly my brilliant hiding spot seems a bit more like a convenient coffin.
*then I wake up*
On a lighter note... I'm working out the logistics of what I hope will turn out to be a really cool belly progression shot. Trick is trying to find something I'm comfortable showing my belly in that will actually fit for the whole adventure.
Here's a result from the first test:
Sunday, October 3, 2010
New Title
(week 13)
Sorry, still no good dreams to share so far. I'm beginning to think I should change the name of this to something more appropriate. Perhaps I could call it "Restroom Ratings" so that I could give useful tips on which public restrooms are decent and which ones should be avoided at all costs. Seriously, I feel that's where I spend ALL my time anywhere I go. I really had no idea how much toilet paper it takes to keep up with a pregnant lady *thank you Costco*.
I've been recruiting a few friends from work and researching maternity portraits all week. I'm going to practice different poses and lighting options for myself and a few other ladies over the next 6 months so that I can build up a portfolio for maternity and infant portraits.
Below is a sample from the first light test this afternoon. I'll share the best ones as we go.
Sorry, still no good dreams to share so far. I'm beginning to think I should change the name of this to something more appropriate. Perhaps I could call it "Restroom Ratings" so that I could give useful tips on which public restrooms are decent and which ones should be avoided at all costs. Seriously, I feel that's where I spend ALL my time anywhere I go. I really had no idea how much toilet paper it takes to keep up with a pregnant lady *thank you Costco*.
I've been recruiting a few friends from work and researching maternity portraits all week. I'm going to practice different poses and lighting options for myself and a few other ladies over the next 6 months so that I can build up a portfolio for maternity and infant portraits.
Below is a sample from the first light test this afternoon. I'll share the best ones as we go.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
People makin'... take2
(week 12)
We're at it again.
It felt like we both held our breath for three months, but we just made it through the 12 week appointment this week and all is well!
Starting to feel a bit better, but fighting off headaches now and still logging record time on the couch.
Dreams are still wild - it's like an action double feature every night. Very busy, very complicated, but can't remember much of anything after waking.
We're at it again.
It felt like we both held our breath for three months, but we just made it through the 12 week appointment this week and all is well!
Starting to feel a bit better, but fighting off headaches now and still logging record time on the couch.
Dreams are still wild - it's like an action double feature every night. Very busy, very complicated, but can't remember much of anything after waking.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Front Yard Hot Tub
Still only remembering fragments of action dreams.
Lots going on but none of it sticks with me after waking.
Had a dream about a week ago about rain.
There was a big rainstorm that left a puddle in my front yard.
I lost something in the puddle, but I don't know what it was.
My friends Rachel and Cathy came over to help me look for it.
The puddle was about 5-6 ft deep and warm like a hot tub but covered with fall leaves so you couldn't even tell it was there.
You'd just walk across the yard and drop into this warm pool of leaves.
We swam around with all our clothes on trying to find whatever had fallen in, but couldn't locate it.
Lots going on but none of it sticks with me after waking.
Had a dream about a week ago about rain.
There was a big rainstorm that left a puddle in my front yard.
I lost something in the puddle, but I don't know what it was.
My friends Rachel and Cathy came over to help me look for it.
The puddle was about 5-6 ft deep and warm like a hot tub but covered with fall leaves so you couldn't even tell it was there.
You'd just walk across the yard and drop into this warm pool of leaves.
We swam around with all our clothes on trying to find whatever had fallen in, but couldn't locate it.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Costner Concussion
Here's a funny one from last night, think it has to do with having several house guests all weekend.
I was at some event in a very large building and heading to the bathroom. There is only one small room. I get there just behind Kevin Costner. After standing there about 20mins I give up on waiting and head off to find the next bath room. Every one I go to is occupied with a long line of people waiting to get in. Hours later I'm desperate. I head to the porta-jon outside in the far courtyard. It's a long hike and I have to tip-toe at this point. It's empty!!! But just before I get there Kevin Costner comes running up again and jumps in front of me to open the door and use it himself.
I don't think so! I lean down and pull his ankles out from under him (like that's a simple solution to this type of encounter). He falls backwards, knocks his head on the ground and passes out.
Woke up very satisfied with myself and giggling, but couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough!
I was at some event in a very large building and heading to the bathroom. There is only one small room. I get there just behind Kevin Costner. After standing there about 20mins I give up on waiting and head off to find the next bath room. Every one I go to is occupied with a long line of people waiting to get in. Hours later I'm desperate. I head to the porta-jon outside in the far courtyard. It's a long hike and I have to tip-toe at this point. It's empty!!! But just before I get there Kevin Costner comes running up again and jumps in front of me to open the door and use it himself.
I don't think so! I lean down and pull his ankles out from under him (like that's a simple solution to this type of encounter). He falls backwards, knocks his head on the ground and passes out.
Woke up very satisfied with myself and giggling, but couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Action
Last night I dreamt I was in an action film.
The details faded quickly. I can't remember if I was a witness under protection or an asset in custody. There was much running through this large building maybe an office building or a school. Lots of rooms and stairways. Even a car chase through a parking garage at one point. In the end, my two 'handlers' and I made it to the safe house which was a big open loft style penthouse. Not sure why I was assigned two protectors - it seemed like overkill, but they were both easy on the eyes so i wasn't going to complain.
The details faded quickly. I can't remember if I was a witness under protection or an asset in custody. There was much running through this large building maybe an office building or a school. Lots of rooms and stairways. Even a car chase through a parking garage at one point. In the end, my two 'handlers' and I made it to the safe house which was a big open loft style penthouse. Not sure why I was assigned two protectors - it seemed like overkill, but they were both easy on the eyes so i wasn't going to complain.
Unplugged
Dream fragment from 7/17:
Sleepless night.
I've been dizzy for almost two weeks and starting to feel disoriented even in my dreams.
Half awake half asleep feeling more tired than if I had just stayed up all night.
I had this weird delusion that I could see the 'cords' creeping up around the bed.
I knew that if I could just fall asleep that the cords (thick alien-looking cables) would be able to attach to recharge me.
I found it odd that I'd never noticed them before.
It was like I always knew they were there, but I'd never been conscious so close to sleep that I was able to actually see them creeping up to plug in.
Very strange... never actually fell asleep that night.
Sleepless night.
I've been dizzy for almost two weeks and starting to feel disoriented even in my dreams.
Half awake half asleep feeling more tired than if I had just stayed up all night.
I had this weird delusion that I could see the 'cords' creeping up around the bed.
I knew that if I could just fall asleep that the cords (thick alien-looking cables) would be able to attach to recharge me.
I found it odd that I'd never noticed them before.
It was like I always knew they were there, but I'd never been conscious so close to sleep that I was able to actually see them creeping up to plug in.
Very strange... never actually fell asleep that night.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Random Fragments
Dreaming a lot lately, but not remembering most of them for very long.
-------
Not going to elaborate much on the about the guy that I picked up at a bus stop who had the strange habit of transforming into a welsh corgi. Suffice to say - it was interesting enough to remember.
-------
Had a strange one weeks ago that was like walking through a fashion shoot or music video - can't remember much, just the last image before I woke. There was a woman stretched out on a city sidewalk in a silver dress. The lighting was dark and dramatic. The styling was high fashion - like Versace ads or a Lady GaGa video. Her feet are closest me and she's frozen in time with a fierce snarl looking back at me while she seems to be crawling away. The odd thing is her shoes. She has on white patent leather ultra high heels - but there is no 'toe'. The shoes are just big stiletto spikes attached to her feet. I find it hard to take the pretentious scene seriously... I just grin to myself and imagine her trying to walk across grass. It makes sense that she sprawled out on the ground now.
-------
Last week I dreamt that I went back to Tennessee to spend time with my very first best friend from childhood. Most of the dream is forgotten but what stuck with me was that my best friend was still 7 years old. I remember trying to make sense out of that then I just got more confused since there were two girls there. I couldn't get a good look at the second one - she was a shifting shadow that seemed to move anytime I tried to look directly at her. Sapna had been my only close friend, so the second girl vying for my attention was very confusing. She seemed to keep morphing into other close friends from later in my life as I tried to get it to make sense... got too weird then and just woke me up at that point.
---------
-------
Not going to elaborate much on the about the guy that I picked up at a bus stop who had the strange habit of transforming into a welsh corgi. Suffice to say - it was interesting enough to remember.
-------
Had a strange one weeks ago that was like walking through a fashion shoot or music video - can't remember much, just the last image before I woke. There was a woman stretched out on a city sidewalk in a silver dress. The lighting was dark and dramatic. The styling was high fashion - like Versace ads or a Lady GaGa video. Her feet are closest me and she's frozen in time with a fierce snarl looking back at me while she seems to be crawling away. The odd thing is her shoes. She has on white patent leather ultra high heels - but there is no 'toe'. The shoes are just big stiletto spikes attached to her feet. I find it hard to take the pretentious scene seriously... I just grin to myself and imagine her trying to walk across grass. It makes sense that she sprawled out on the ground now.
-------
Last week I dreamt that I went back to Tennessee to spend time with my very first best friend from childhood. Most of the dream is forgotten but what stuck with me was that my best friend was still 7 years old. I remember trying to make sense out of that then I just got more confused since there were two girls there. I couldn't get a good look at the second one - she was a shifting shadow that seemed to move anytime I tried to look directly at her. Sapna had been my only close friend, so the second girl vying for my attention was very confusing. She seemed to keep morphing into other close friends from later in my life as I tried to get it to make sense... got too weird then and just woke me up at that point.
---------
Friday, April 16, 2010
What now
I'm fine.
I was sick for a bit, then I was sad... more sad than I expected, apparently hormones are powerful things. It wasn't focused like mourning. It was just general sadness over our loss of innocence and a sense of unattained potential. For us, this pregnancy was like buying a lottery ticket. It gave us license to dream up wild possibilities for our future that were drastically different from our current life. In the end, we never really thought we'd win, but it was the dream that was important.
I'd been expecting a poor outcome based on my dreams, my pain and the lack of symptoms; so it wasn't really a surprise. I had actually started this blog just as a diary for myself. After the first ultrasound it all began to seem real or possible. I tried to set aside my superstitions and start to wrap my brain around the idea that we were going to be parents. We got caught up in the excitement and shared the news with more people than intended. But, then... I tend to be share everything about my life, so I wouldn't have done anything different. My lesson is that while it helped me cope, it made it harder for those around me. I wish I had not put so many others through that. My family... well, I wouldn't face any challenge without them at my side, so sorry... but you're in for what ever comes our way. I knew we could handle it with support, but I'm not sure everyone we told was prepared to carry the burden. I feel a little guilty for causing any distress and concern and despite my open book policy - I can start to understand the merit of withholding information.
I've had enough people share stories so I knew miscarriage before 12 weeks was common, but I never knew HOW common. The data is confusing, they usually say that there is always a 10% chance but then some quotes state that first trimester miscarriages is as high as 25%, and that only accounts for the reported cased. Some sites postulate that the true number is as high as 50% if you count the number unreported or chemical pregnancies that end without the mother ever knowing. Odds like just makes you realize what a miracle parenthood really is.
Regardless... it was amazing how many women reached out to me to share their stories and let me know they had been through it too. In some ways I was sad that none of them had shared this before. It really was encouraging to hear the stories. Almost all of the women I know who've miscarried are mothers. Of course, there are some factors that skew that a bit, but it seems that most couples eventually succeed in having children if that's their goal.
So... when I can lift my head above the hormonal fog, I'm actually happy. I didn't think I'd ever conceive, so CAN I GET A HELL YEAH, cause that fear that I carried for so long is gone. Also, we were getting overwhelmed and felt pinched for time. Now we have an opportunity to get a little more prepared so things won't be so hectic. Most importantly... we know we're ready - at least for the first step.
That's the problem now. Before there was nothing to lose. No expectations, no real intention, we were expecting to 'give it a shot' and walk away perfectly happy regardless what the outcome.
Now... there's investment, emotion, risk... and baggage.
The challenge now is to be patient (something I'm notoriously bad at) and find a way to stay positive.
Did I mention my glorious husband talked me into investing in some professional photo equipment?
Nothing like chasing a dream for distraction... that and playing the lottery from time to time :)
Anyone up for a photoshoot?
I was sick for a bit, then I was sad... more sad than I expected, apparently hormones are powerful things. It wasn't focused like mourning. It was just general sadness over our loss of innocence and a sense of unattained potential. For us, this pregnancy was like buying a lottery ticket. It gave us license to dream up wild possibilities for our future that were drastically different from our current life. In the end, we never really thought we'd win, but it was the dream that was important.
I'd been expecting a poor outcome based on my dreams, my pain and the lack of symptoms; so it wasn't really a surprise. I had actually started this blog just as a diary for myself. After the first ultrasound it all began to seem real or possible. I tried to set aside my superstitions and start to wrap my brain around the idea that we were going to be parents. We got caught up in the excitement and shared the news with more people than intended. But, then... I tend to be share everything about my life, so I wouldn't have done anything different. My lesson is that while it helped me cope, it made it harder for those around me. I wish I had not put so many others through that. My family... well, I wouldn't face any challenge without them at my side, so sorry... but you're in for what ever comes our way. I knew we could handle it with support, but I'm not sure everyone we told was prepared to carry the burden. I feel a little guilty for causing any distress and concern and despite my open book policy - I can start to understand the merit of withholding information.
I've had enough people share stories so I knew miscarriage before 12 weeks was common, but I never knew HOW common. The data is confusing, they usually say that there is always a 10% chance but then some quotes state that first trimester miscarriages is as high as 25%, and that only accounts for the reported cased. Some sites postulate that the true number is as high as 50% if you count the number unreported or chemical pregnancies that end without the mother ever knowing. Odds like just makes you realize what a miracle parenthood really is.
Regardless... it was amazing how many women reached out to me to share their stories and let me know they had been through it too. In some ways I was sad that none of them had shared this before. It really was encouraging to hear the stories. Almost all of the women I know who've miscarried are mothers. Of course, there are some factors that skew that a bit, but it seems that most couples eventually succeed in having children if that's their goal.
So... when I can lift my head above the hormonal fog, I'm actually happy. I didn't think I'd ever conceive, so CAN I GET A HELL YEAH, cause that fear that I carried for so long is gone. Also, we were getting overwhelmed and felt pinched for time. Now we have an opportunity to get a little more prepared so things won't be so hectic. Most importantly... we know we're ready - at least for the first step.
That's the problem now. Before there was nothing to lose. No expectations, no real intention, we were expecting to 'give it a shot' and walk away perfectly happy regardless what the outcome.
Now... there's investment, emotion, risk... and baggage.
The challenge now is to be patient (something I'm notoriously bad at) and find a way to stay positive.
Did I mention my glorious husband talked me into investing in some professional photo equipment?
Nothing like chasing a dream for distraction... that and playing the lottery from time to time :)
Anyone up for a photoshoot?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Sad News
It was a good thing Blaine got to come today.
It was sad news this time... never a good sign when the technician's first question is "Have you had any bleeding?"
Those of you who have heard me interpret my dreams know this comes as no surprise - I was more astonished to get good news at the first appointment then to be told that we lost it this week.
It's not devastating, it's not tragic, but it is sad.
I know a few of you out there who know exactly what I'm going through, and you know I'll have more dreams to share with you at some point in the future.
It was sad news this time... never a good sign when the technician's first question is "Have you had any bleeding?"
Those of you who have heard me interpret my dreams know this comes as no surprise - I was more astonished to get good news at the first appointment then to be told that we lost it this week.
It's not devastating, it's not tragic, but it is sad.
I know a few of you out there who know exactly what I'm going through, and you know I'll have more dreams to share with you at some point in the future.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
She-Hulk
(week 11)
This week was intended to be a milestone. Blaine and I were going to go to the doctor to hear the heartbeat for the first time. The idea being that detection of a strong heartbeat represents clearing the hurdle of the first trimester. I thought it might also start to make this whole thing a bit more real for both of us.
I had intended to wait until after my appointment Monday morning to make my formal announcement at work. Then I got a call asking if I could reschedule since my doctor was out of town and the ones left covering were slammed. I was disappointed but found a way to reshuffle my meetings and classwork to make Tuesday afternoon work instead.
I couldn't help myself at work though, I went ahead and announced. It was really rewarding. People were very surprised and happy. My company is large, but news travels fast and ever since telling my teams I've had different people approaching me to confirm the rumors and congratulate. Even got my first belly grab - wasn't quite prepared for that. I love the girl that did it so it was okay, but it made me realize that I need to be more prepared for that reaction so I can implement an appropriate defense if needed.
I got another call at noon asking if I could reschedule again. This time I pushed back and explained how hard it was for me to make these appointments fit into my schedule in the first place. They were understanding and found time for me with a different doctor. So, I made it through an incredibly hectic work day and headed up to the appointment. Unfortunately Blaine couldn't join be because of the last minute change of plans.
Turns out he was lucky and didn't miss a thing. I spent another hour waiting around then went back for my appointment. The doctor was very nice and knowledgeable, she spent the whole time quizzing me about my medical history and plans for delivery. Then... it was over. I was very confused since the nurse had told me to expect the heartbeat test, but this doctor explained I had to come back in a week for that because it was too early.
I was really frustrated. I couldn't understand exactly who had screwed up. Did my doctor make a mistake when marking up info on my next appointment, did the scheduler misunderstand something or forget that I needed to be at 12 weeks for this, did the schedule changes screw things up so the equipment or technician wasn't available and they didn't want to admit that. What the hell? This was ridiculous! Did they really think I had the time and flexibility to change my appointment multiple times at the last minute AND come it twice for every visit!
I took a deep breath and tried to focus on the idea that this inconvenience had a silver lining and that Blaine could arrange to attend next time around.
*sigh*
Craving this week: Egg and cheese croissants I love you!
Pet Peeve: Taking extra time off work because someone can't count
Lesson Learned: Beware of unexpected belly grabs
To do list: Brush up on my kung-fu to thwart unwanted belly grabs
This week was intended to be a milestone. Blaine and I were going to go to the doctor to hear the heartbeat for the first time. The idea being that detection of a strong heartbeat represents clearing the hurdle of the first trimester. I thought it might also start to make this whole thing a bit more real for both of us.
I had intended to wait until after my appointment Monday morning to make my formal announcement at work. Then I got a call asking if I could reschedule since my doctor was out of town and the ones left covering were slammed. I was disappointed but found a way to reshuffle my meetings and classwork to make Tuesday afternoon work instead.
I couldn't help myself at work though, I went ahead and announced. It was really rewarding. People were very surprised and happy. My company is large, but news travels fast and ever since telling my teams I've had different people approaching me to confirm the rumors and congratulate. Even got my first belly grab - wasn't quite prepared for that. I love the girl that did it so it was okay, but it made me realize that I need to be more prepared for that reaction so I can implement an appropriate defense if needed.
I got another call at noon asking if I could reschedule again. This time I pushed back and explained how hard it was for me to make these appointments fit into my schedule in the first place. They were understanding and found time for me with a different doctor. So, I made it through an incredibly hectic work day and headed up to the appointment. Unfortunately Blaine couldn't join be because of the last minute change of plans.
Turns out he was lucky and didn't miss a thing. I spent another hour waiting around then went back for my appointment. The doctor was very nice and knowledgeable, she spent the whole time quizzing me about my medical history and plans for delivery. Then... it was over. I was very confused since the nurse had told me to expect the heartbeat test, but this doctor explained I had to come back in a week for that because it was too early.
I was really frustrated. I couldn't understand exactly who had screwed up. Did my doctor make a mistake when marking up info on my next appointment, did the scheduler misunderstand something or forget that I needed to be at 12 weeks for this, did the schedule changes screw things up so the equipment or technician wasn't available and they didn't want to admit that. What the hell? This was ridiculous! Did they really think I had the time and flexibility to change my appointment multiple times at the last minute AND come it twice for every visit!
I had to calm down... I couldn't afford to transform into she-hulk today. This was a really cute new dress and it would be a shame to tear it to shreds!
I took a deep breath and tried to focus on the idea that this inconvenience had a silver lining and that Blaine could arrange to attend next time around.
*sigh*
Craving this week: Egg and cheese croissants I love you!
Pet Peeve: Taking extra time off work because someone can't count
Lesson Learned: Beware of unexpected belly grabs
To do list: Brush up on my kung-fu to thwart unwanted belly grabs
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Poem 1 : Matchmaker
Matchmaker
Why, hello Heartburn!
I don't believe we've met.
I hear you could be staying with us a few months.
Let me introduce you to my friend Tums.
I think the two of you could really hit it off.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Non-alcoholic Bellyshots
Okay, I haven't posted anything yet, but I'm not kidding I'm an early bloomer.
This first one is at 8 weeks when I made some friends take me dancing since I knew it was the last time I'd fit into this dress.
This next one is three weeks later from tonight. Quite a difference!
I really wasn't kidding when I said I had to go shopping! My belly grew 3 inches in 3 weeks - craziness.
I blame cheese.
Maybe this is just my normal belly only now I'm proud of it instead of sucking in :)
This first one is at 8 weeks when I made some friends take me dancing since I knew it was the last time I'd fit into this dress.
This next one is three weeks later from tonight. Quite a difference!
I really wasn't kidding when I said I had to go shopping! My belly grew 3 inches in 3 weeks - craziness.
I blame cheese.
Maybe this is just my normal belly only now I'm proud of it instead of sucking in :)
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Wishbone
(week 10)
Nothing really eventful this week. I feel great, totally normal actually. My ravenous appetite has tapered off and I've been sleeping like normal. My belly is getting noticeable, I'm glad our next appointment is coming up soon. I've been waiting to hear that heartbeat for the first time before I break the news at work, but it's starting to get a little hard to hide.
Since there isn't any news, I think I'll tell the story of the wishbone this time.
This Christmas we stayed home and invited all of our friends over to our house for Christmas Eve. It was a huge feast and the greedy secret behind it is that we really wanted an excuse to cook a HUGE turkey so we could finally enjoy leftovers in our own home.
All went well, it was a wonderful time & we saved the wishbone.
A few weeks ago Blaine comes up (yes, I've given up the anonymity and started sharing this with a few people) with this huge grin on his face and offers up the wish bone.
"You don't have to tell me, I know what your wish is" I tell him.
"Yeah... I'm wishing for a boy, now grab your end - it's time!" he says back.
I wrap my pinky around my end, close my eyes and wish "*I just want a happy healthy baby*.
We pull and nothing happens.
We pull again and it shatters into a dozen pieces.
-sigh-
Nothing really eventful this week. I feel great, totally normal actually. My ravenous appetite has tapered off and I've been sleeping like normal. My belly is getting noticeable, I'm glad our next appointment is coming up soon. I've been waiting to hear that heartbeat for the first time before I break the news at work, but it's starting to get a little hard to hide.
Since there isn't any news, I think I'll tell the story of the wishbone this time.
This Christmas we stayed home and invited all of our friends over to our house for Christmas Eve. It was a huge feast and the greedy secret behind it is that we really wanted an excuse to cook a HUGE turkey so we could finally enjoy leftovers in our own home.
All went well, it was a wonderful time & we saved the wishbone.
A few weeks ago Blaine comes up (yes, I've given up the anonymity and started sharing this with a few people) with this huge grin on his face and offers up the wish bone.
"You don't have to tell me, I know what your wish is" I tell him.
"Yeah... I'm wishing for a boy, now grab your end - it's time!" he says back.
I wrap my pinky around my end, close my eyes and wish "*I just want a happy healthy baby*.
We pull and nothing happens.
We pull again and it shatters into a dozen pieces.
-sigh-
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Dream 5 : Tsunami Party
Okay, I've started sleeping again YAY!
This one wasn't too clear, I only remember bits and pieces, but here they are...
--------------
I'm in a room in a family room of some run-down basement apartment we are living in. It's pretty bare, but our friends have offered to come over and help us fix it up.
Next thing I know it's a party, about a dozen of our closest friends are there all drinking and laughing and painting the walls, hanging curtains, hanging the pictures....
I look into the kitchen and notice out our little basement windows that there is a wall of water coming our way!
I scramble into the bedroom to pull out the suitcase - and tie it on top of the fridge. For some reason it's VITAL that this case stays dry!
The wave hits - water shatters the windows and pours into the apartment. Everyone is tossed around and all the paint is washed off the walls.
Then the water recedes like a wave does on shore.
Everyone is still laughing - like it was expected and they all just pick up where they left off, and re-do all the work that just got undone.
I glance up at the fridge relieved to find the suitcase is dry.
------------------
I've heard water dreams are common during pregnancy... but WEIRD!
This one wasn't too clear, I only remember bits and pieces, but here they are...
--------------
I'm in a room in a family room of some run-down basement apartment we are living in. It's pretty bare, but our friends have offered to come over and help us fix it up.
Next thing I know it's a party, about a dozen of our closest friends are there all drinking and laughing and painting the walls, hanging curtains, hanging the pictures....
I look into the kitchen and notice out our little basement windows that there is a wall of water coming our way!
I scramble into the bedroom to pull out the suitcase - and tie it on top of the fridge. For some reason it's VITAL that this case stays dry!
The wave hits - water shatters the windows and pours into the apartment. Everyone is tossed around and all the paint is washed off the walls.
Then the water recedes like a wave does on shore.
Everyone is still laughing - like it was expected and they all just pick up where they left off, and re-do all the work that just got undone.
I glance up at the fridge relieved to find the suitcase is dry.
------------------
I've heard water dreams are common during pregnancy... but WEIRD!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Dream 4 : Tripod dog
I had hoped that this journal would largely contain a collection of wacky dreams, but I've discovered that insomnia doesn't really aid in the dreaming department.
I did have one that stuck with me yesterday though.
_______________
I was sitting on my front porch and my husband had taken the dog out for a walk. The cat had followed along behind them like he often does.
It had been a long time since they left and I was wondering where they all went. I whistled to call them back. The building directly across from me was a three story apartment building with a steeply gabled roof. As I whistled I saw the cat come running down the roof followed by the dog. Cat jumps from the roof edge to a balcony to a tree and down to the street Dog follows and plummets to the street. Poor guy comes limping up on three legs, his front left leg is all bent up under him and broken.
I shout and shout for Blaine to come help but he's no where to be found.
I rush inside trying to find my keys and look up the nearest emergency vet. I'm mad at myself for not just knowing that information off the top of my head. Meanwhile the dog has adjusted to his new predicament and just keeps running up, dropping toys at my feet and dashing off to fetch them all three legged and happy as can be. I can't get him to settle down.
He's insane! Surely he must be in pain... what and odd creature.
___________________
I did have one that stuck with me yesterday though.
_______________
I was sitting on my front porch and my husband had taken the dog out for a walk. The cat had followed along behind them like he often does.
It had been a long time since they left and I was wondering where they all went. I whistled to call them back. The building directly across from me was a three story apartment building with a steeply gabled roof. As I whistled I saw the cat come running down the roof followed by the dog. Cat jumps from the roof edge to a balcony to a tree and down to the street Dog follows and plummets to the street. Poor guy comes limping up on three legs, his front left leg is all bent up under him and broken.
I shout and shout for Blaine to come help but he's no where to be found.
I rush inside trying to find my keys and look up the nearest emergency vet. I'm mad at myself for not just knowing that information off the top of my head. Meanwhile the dog has adjusted to his new predicament and just keeps running up, dropping toys at my feet and dashing off to fetch them all three legged and happy as can be. I can't get him to settle down.
He's insane! Surely he must be in pain... what and odd creature.
___________________
Vitamin C O.D.
(week 9)
I don't think I've mentioned yet that I'm also in school. Luckily the test confirmed things the same day I had to decide if I as going to drop any classes. I scaled back a little and I'm only taking two classes this semester, but sometimes even that is overwhelming. Between work and school most of my 'free time' is spent on the computer at home trying to meet deadlines. My house is a mess, my friends think I'm a hermit and I'm still barely keeping on top of everything.
This week I started to lose the battle. I woke up Monday morning with a cold. I stayed in, worked from home. The worst part is that the only thing I can take for it at this point is tylenol and a glass or orange juice - YAY.
I decided I had a few more tricks up my sleeve though. I went out and got Thai food take-out, a metric ton of produce and my secret weapon - pomegranate auice. A steady stream of super spicy coconut chicken soup, curry, citrus, and POM coupled with regimen of salt water gargle and nasal irrigation seem to have done the trick. Sounds lovely doesn't it?
Anyway, made it through the week and seem to be on the back side of the cold now.
... back to studying.
Craving this week: kiwi & calamata olives (not together though)
Pet Peeve: Having to waiting two more weeks to take Robitussin or Sudafed
Lesson Learned: My dog sleeps in a sun beam on the kitchen table when he thinks no one is home
To do list : Buy a humidifier
I don't think I've mentioned yet that I'm also in school. Luckily the test confirmed things the same day I had to decide if I as going to drop any classes. I scaled back a little and I'm only taking two classes this semester, but sometimes even that is overwhelming. Between work and school most of my 'free time' is spent on the computer at home trying to meet deadlines. My house is a mess, my friends think I'm a hermit and I'm still barely keeping on top of everything.
This week I started to lose the battle. I woke up Monday morning with a cold. I stayed in, worked from home. The worst part is that the only thing I can take for it at this point is tylenol and a glass or orange juice - YAY.
I decided I had a few more tricks up my sleeve though. I went out and got Thai food take-out, a metric ton of produce and my secret weapon - pomegranate auice. A steady stream of super spicy coconut chicken soup, curry, citrus, and POM coupled with regimen of salt water gargle and nasal irrigation seem to have done the trick. Sounds lovely doesn't it?
Anyway, made it through the week and seem to be on the back side of the cold now.
... back to studying.
Craving this week: kiwi & calamata olives (not together though)
Pet Peeve: Having to waiting two more weeks to take Robitussin or Sudafed
Lesson Learned: My dog sleeps in a sun beam on the kitchen table when he thinks no one is home
To do list : Buy a humidifier
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Dresses = more fun
(week 8)
Since confirming the bun is actually IN the oven, my pain has magically dissipated. Sometimes I think staying off the internet and not reading up on things may be the better way to go.
So far so good. Still dodging any sign of morning sickness. I'm losing weight despite my ravenous appetite. I call it my baby diet. I somehow seem to have managed to drop six pounds but still grow out of all my pants at the same time. It's like all the fat left is melting off my thighs and piling onto my belly and chest.
Weird.
I really shouldn't spend money on new clothes this early, but I'm out of options. It's not like I can wear pajama pants to work!
Bought two pairs of overpriced pants that I decided to return after I got home. Then went out to Ross with a gift certificate and splurged on a pair of elastic top dress pants and about 8 new dresses! Much more fun then goofy denim, and I think the dresses should work just about the entire time.
So far I haven't been my normal moody self. I don't know if it's the vitamins (my doctor has me on fish oil in addition to prenatals to help balance my moods) or the hormones or what, but I've been unnaturally calm and happy. It's strange. Then again, I did cry during an episode of family guy the other day, can't say that's exactly normal.
Craving this week: Cheese (any form... cheesecake, cheddar, fetta, cheezits - you name it)
Pet Peeve: People making obvious comments around others I haven't told yet.
Lesson Learned: If you are going to tell anyone, be ready to tell everyone.
To do list : Buy a scale.
Since confirming the bun is actually IN the oven, my pain has magically dissipated. Sometimes I think staying off the internet and not reading up on things may be the better way to go.
So far so good. Still dodging any sign of morning sickness. I'm losing weight despite my ravenous appetite. I call it my baby diet. I somehow seem to have managed to drop six pounds but still grow out of all my pants at the same time. It's like all the fat left is melting off my thighs and piling onto my belly and chest.
Weird.
I really shouldn't spend money on new clothes this early, but I'm out of options. It's not like I can wear pajama pants to work!
Bought two pairs of overpriced pants that I decided to return after I got home. Then went out to Ross with a gift certificate and splurged on a pair of elastic top dress pants and about 8 new dresses! Much more fun then goofy denim, and I think the dresses should work just about the entire time.
So far I haven't been my normal moody self. I don't know if it's the vitamins (my doctor has me on fish oil in addition to prenatals to help balance my moods) or the hormones or what, but I've been unnaturally calm and happy. It's strange. Then again, I did cry during an episode of family guy the other day, can't say that's exactly normal.
Craving this week: Cheese (any form... cheesecake, cheddar, fetta, cheezits - you name it)
Pet Peeve: People making obvious comments around others I haven't told yet.
Lesson Learned: If you are going to tell anyone, be ready to tell everyone.
To do list : Buy a scale.
First appointment
(week 7)
After the ultrasound drama it was all easy. The only hard part about the first appointment was staying awake lying on the table while I waited an hour for the doctor to be available.
Apparently, the downside of an OBGYN is sometimes they have their hands full delivering babies and such - go figure!
Everything checked out normal. She didn't have an answer about the pain, but with the ultrasound results she had no concerns. She recommended me to a physical therapist in case my back pain was actually a pinched nerve and the root cause of it all.
Just had an annual pap and give up a gallon of blood for testing.
Oh - then I had the brilliant idea to ask if it was okay for me to snowboard. *LAME*
Of course - her answer was "No". I tried to reason with her, saying that I'd take it easy and stay off the moguls and out of the trees, but her rationale was that there was too big a risk from other skiers on the mountain and a crash could be damaging to the baby.
Ugh... I was counting on riding out the rest of the season.
She gave me a note to help me try to get reimbursed for my pass.
I was perfectly willing to ignore the advice and just take it easy on the hill, I mean I take a bigger risk getting behind the wheel of a car everyday!
I shared my doctor's concerns with my husband and his feeling was it just wasn't worth the risk. I could avoid the hill for a season, but I couldn't avoid driving around.
I'm a big girl, I know he's right, but I'm still disappointed. Oh well, it's not like we were getting any good snow this season.
*sigh*
I had really hoped that parenthood wouldn't impact my lifestyle so immediately - color me naive.
After the ultrasound drama it was all easy. The only hard part about the first appointment was staying awake lying on the table while I waited an hour for the doctor to be available.
Apparently, the downside of an OBGYN is sometimes they have their hands full delivering babies and such - go figure!
Everything checked out normal. She didn't have an answer about the pain, but with the ultrasound results she had no concerns. She recommended me to a physical therapist in case my back pain was actually a pinched nerve and the root cause of it all.
Just had an annual pap and give up a gallon of blood for testing.
Oh - then I had the brilliant idea to ask if it was okay for me to snowboard. *LAME*
Of course - her answer was "No". I tried to reason with her, saying that I'd take it easy and stay off the moguls and out of the trees, but her rationale was that there was too big a risk from other skiers on the mountain and a crash could be damaging to the baby.
Ugh... I was counting on riding out the rest of the season.
She gave me a note to help me try to get reimbursed for my pass.
I was perfectly willing to ignore the advice and just take it easy on the hill, I mean I take a bigger risk getting behind the wheel of a car everyday!
I shared my doctor's concerns with my husband and his feeling was it just wasn't worth the risk. I could avoid the hill for a season, but I couldn't avoid driving around.
I'm a big girl, I know he's right, but I'm still disappointed. Oh well, it's not like we were getting any good snow this season.
*sigh*
I had really hoped that parenthood wouldn't impact my lifestyle so immediately - color me naive.
Ultrasound drama
(week 7)
I spent the weekend in pain. The pain in my side felt like it was worse, it felt like some one was stabbing me with an accupunture needle in my belly. I kept surfing blogs and websites and it seemed fairly common for women to complain of strange pains during pregnancy. Medical sites reassured countless women that this was normal and not a concern as long as the pain wasn't on one side or accompanied by rhythmic cramping.
Well, that didn't reassure me at all - it only alarmed me more - I had exactly those things. The cramps were the worst - really low across the pubic bone, they had me doubled up at times. The only thing I've felt like that before was the cramps I used to associate with my endometriosis. When I was in high school, I used to have intense cramps that would make me freeze in place, gasp for air while waves of burning pain radiating out from my womb to the top of my head and tips of my toes. The ones I felt now were different, but equally intense.
I kept imagining that the baby was stuck in my fallopian tube and everything was bulging, ready to burst. I kept trying to dismiss this and stay calm, but I did more research and found out that it's not uncommon for endometriosis to cause blockages that cause infertility or ectopic pregnancies.
That did it!
I stayed home Monday morning and called my doctor's office. I explained my history & symptoms and the receptionist handed me off to a nurse. The nurse had me waiting for hours. I gave up and went into the office, only to get a call back during a meeting. They wanted me to come in right away, but their ultrasound technician was out that day, so they wanted me to go to the hospital for the test instead.
I was happy to be going in early, but I was sure it wasn't going to go well. My husband couldn't join me on the last minute trip and I was a ball of nervous. I flew into my boss' office - she asked me if everything was okay since I'd been sick that morning. I was a jittering teary eyed mess - I just blurted out "Well, I'm preggers and I'm off to the doctor to see if the bugger's about to kill me - so NO".
-slick- Not the announcement I'd had in mind... sometimes I wish there was a rewind button.
--------------------
"Drink at least 16oz of water and don't go to the bathroom before the test."
I HATE THE EVIL ENTITIES THAT PLANNED THAT ONE. Seriously! By the time I sat in the waiting area for an hour I was about to EXPLODE! I had to practically threaten to pee on the check-in counter before nurse 'nazi' would tell me where the bathroom was. I think she could sense murder in my eyes so she eventually conceded after I *promised* I'd only go a little bit. By the way... in case you were wondering, stopping you pee mid stream when you bladder is about to pop is an extraordinary demonstration of self control.
Half an hour later I tip toed into the testing room, crawled onto the table only to have the technician exclaim "My! Your bladder is so full it's crushing everything, I can't see a thing, I'm going to have to ask you to go to the bathroom first."
.... I couldn't decide if I wanted to strangle her - or kiss her...
I settled for wiping the goo off my belly, pulling up my pants and gratefully waddling to the toilet.
I came back much relieved but no less perturbed.
----------------
Technicians aren't supposed to comment on what they see in a test, but I could see the screen and she could sense my nervousness.
"Baby looks normal and implanted safely in the uterus".
PHEW!
I spent the weekend in pain. The pain in my side felt like it was worse, it felt like some one was stabbing me with an accupunture needle in my belly. I kept surfing blogs and websites and it seemed fairly common for women to complain of strange pains during pregnancy. Medical sites reassured countless women that this was normal and not a concern as long as the pain wasn't on one side or accompanied by rhythmic cramping.
Well, that didn't reassure me at all - it only alarmed me more - I had exactly those things. The cramps were the worst - really low across the pubic bone, they had me doubled up at times. The only thing I've felt like that before was the cramps I used to associate with my endometriosis. When I was in high school, I used to have intense cramps that would make me freeze in place, gasp for air while waves of burning pain radiating out from my womb to the top of my head and tips of my toes. The ones I felt now were different, but equally intense.
I kept imagining that the baby was stuck in my fallopian tube and everything was bulging, ready to burst. I kept trying to dismiss this and stay calm, but I did more research and found out that it's not uncommon for endometriosis to cause blockages that cause infertility or ectopic pregnancies.
That did it!
I stayed home Monday morning and called my doctor's office. I explained my history & symptoms and the receptionist handed me off to a nurse. The nurse had me waiting for hours. I gave up and went into the office, only to get a call back during a meeting. They wanted me to come in right away, but their ultrasound technician was out that day, so they wanted me to go to the hospital for the test instead.
I was happy to be going in early, but I was sure it wasn't going to go well. My husband couldn't join me on the last minute trip and I was a ball of nervous. I flew into my boss' office - she asked me if everything was okay since I'd been sick that morning. I was a jittering teary eyed mess - I just blurted out "Well, I'm preggers and I'm off to the doctor to see if the bugger's about to kill me - so NO".
-slick- Not the announcement I'd had in mind... sometimes I wish there was a rewind button.
--------------------
"Drink at least 16oz of water and don't go to the bathroom before the test."
I HATE THE EVIL ENTITIES THAT PLANNED THAT ONE. Seriously! By the time I sat in the waiting area for an hour I was about to EXPLODE! I had to practically threaten to pee on the check-in counter before nurse 'nazi' would tell me where the bathroom was. I think she could sense murder in my eyes so she eventually conceded after I *promised* I'd only go a little bit. By the way... in case you were wondering, stopping you pee mid stream when you bladder is about to pop is an extraordinary demonstration of self control.
Half an hour later I tip toed into the testing room, crawled onto the table only to have the technician exclaim "My! Your bladder is so full it's crushing everything, I can't see a thing, I'm going to have to ask you to go to the bathroom first."
.... I couldn't decide if I wanted to strangle her - or kiss her...
I settled for wiping the goo off my belly, pulling up my pants and gratefully waddling to the toilet.
I came back much relieved but no less perturbed.
----------------
Technicians aren't supposed to comment on what they see in a test, but I could see the screen and she could sense my nervousness.
"Baby looks normal and implanted safely in the uterus".
PHEW!
FOOD!
Looking back I totally messed up the 'no alcohol' thing early on, I even dyed my hair which maybe wasn't the best idea... but what I got right was the food.
January 3rd was the last day of my holiday vacation and I spent the day on a shopping spree. I must have been only about 2.5 weeks and I was obsessed with food. I stocked up on an unusual amount of produce and I went on a search for some odd items.
I wanted liver. I haven't eaten liver in at least a decade, but it sounded so good to me. I found a vitamin cottage and decided that organic liver was IMPORTANT. I also scored some hard to find pro-biotic sauerkraut which was inexplicably tantalizing.
I stocked my cube at work with milk, celery, oranges, apples, grapefruit (ahhh.. the glorious citrus), kiwi, nuts, crackers, cereal, oatmeal. You name it. I was eating about every two hours, I just couldn't keep myself from snacking.
I planned out a whole German meal that week. I made fresh knockwurst with gobs of sauerkraut, and potato pancakes with applesauce and sour cream. In case you are wondering... I had NEVER cooked any of those things EVER before. It can't explain how delicious it was.
The next week I invited my sister over for liver and onions. She's the only person I know who loves the stuff. I was really looking forward to it. She loved it. I... well I ate it all. The next morning was the about the only time I felt any nausea. Looking back, the day I wanted liver was right at about 3 - 3.5 weeks when the major organs and liver are first forming. Apparently I needed some extra iron... coincidence?
Since then I've been lucky and haven't discovered any food aversions yet, just odd cravings. I don't have much of a sweet tooth normally, but I've been dipping into the candy stash at work and even followed up my dinner with dessert here and there.
Last week it was fresh red bell peppers and anchovies. I made myself puttanesca two days in a row and loaded it with the silly little fish. I can't describe how satisfying it was!
January 3rd was the last day of my holiday vacation and I spent the day on a shopping spree. I must have been only about 2.5 weeks and I was obsessed with food. I stocked up on an unusual amount of produce and I went on a search for some odd items.
I wanted liver. I haven't eaten liver in at least a decade, but it sounded so good to me. I found a vitamin cottage and decided that organic liver was IMPORTANT. I also scored some hard to find pro-biotic sauerkraut which was inexplicably tantalizing.
I stocked my cube at work with milk, celery, oranges, apples, grapefruit (ahhh.. the glorious citrus), kiwi, nuts, crackers, cereal, oatmeal. You name it. I was eating about every two hours, I just couldn't keep myself from snacking.
I planned out a whole German meal that week. I made fresh knockwurst with gobs of sauerkraut, and potato pancakes with applesauce and sour cream. In case you are wondering... I had NEVER cooked any of those things EVER before. It can't explain how delicious it was.
The next week I invited my sister over for liver and onions. She's the only person I know who loves the stuff. I was really looking forward to it. She loved it. I... well I ate it all. The next morning was the about the only time I felt any nausea. Looking back, the day I wanted liver was right at about 3 - 3.5 weeks when the major organs and liver are first forming. Apparently I needed some extra iron... coincidence?
Since then I've been lucky and haven't discovered any food aversions yet, just odd cravings. I don't have much of a sweet tooth normally, but I've been dipping into the candy stash at work and even followed up my dinner with dessert here and there.
Last week it was fresh red bell peppers and anchovies. I made myself puttanesca two days in a row and loaded it with the silly little fish. I can't describe how satisfying it was!
So far..
(6 weeks)
So far I've been pretty lucky. I'm hungry and I've craved a few strange things (more on that to come), but that's about it.
Occasionally I haven't felt well, but no overwhelming nausea, no headaches, no exhaustion.
Kind of the opposite, I have insomnia. I haven't really slept in weeks.
Already had to give up sleeping on my belly, not because of a belly per se, but because my boobs are out of control and they hurt like hell!
Actually I'd say that's my symptom - pain.
The pain in my side seems less frequent but more severe. My back is killing me too and I can't even have anyone hug me right now because the pain in my chest just makes me want to punch them.
So far I've been pretty lucky. I'm hungry and I've craved a few strange things (more on that to come), but that's about it.
Occasionally I haven't felt well, but no overwhelming nausea, no headaches, no exhaustion.
Kind of the opposite, I have insomnia. I haven't really slept in weeks.
Already had to give up sleeping on my belly, not because of a belly per se, but because my boobs are out of control and they hurt like hell!
Actually I'd say that's my symptom - pain.
The pain in my side seems less frequent but more severe. My back is killing me too and I can't even have anyone hug me right now because the pain in my chest just makes me want to punch them.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tahoe
Spent a long weekend in Tahoe with my Uncle and his family. The snow was incredible they just had a storm that dumped four feet the day before we got there! My husband, sister and brother-in law spent the evenings dropping hints here and there and I spent the evening drinking non-alcoholic beer *sigh*. After dinner we broke the news. Spent the rest of the night and all the next day all tossing out name ideas. It was really fun!
Even came up with a name idea we all liked... gonna keep that one to myself a little longer though ;)
Even came up with a name idea we all liked... gonna keep that one to myself a little longer though ;)
Rabbit bet
Dropped the dog off with some friends and headed to my sister's house for our trip to Lake Tahoe.
On the way, I asked my husband how we should break the news to my sister and her husband.
He says "We should tell them the rabbit died."
WHAT!?
He looks at me like I'm crazy - apparently everyone knows this colloquialism.
Sure, I'd heard the Aerosmith line "the rabbit done died" but I never guessed it alluded to pregnancy.
I was sure that my sister wouldn't know the term. I mean - we grew up together. Certainly she would have taught me this grisly term somewhere along the line - that's how these things work! I bet on it.
... I lost.
They knew exactly what it meant. It was instant smiles and congratulations.
It was all a bit awkward really - I mean we aren't really the traditional parenting type and we hadn't made it public that we were even entertaining the possibility.
This meant everything was going to change and we all knew it.
On the way, I asked my husband how we should break the news to my sister and her husband.
He says "We should tell them the rabbit died."WHAT!?
He looks at me like I'm crazy - apparently everyone knows this colloquialism.
Sure, I'd heard the Aerosmith line "the rabbit done died" but I never guessed it alluded to pregnancy.
I was sure that my sister wouldn't know the term. I mean - we grew up together. Certainly she would have taught me this grisly term somewhere along the line - that's how these things work! I bet on it.
... I lost.
They knew exactly what it meant. It was instant smiles and congratulations.
It was all a bit awkward really - I mean we aren't really the traditional parenting type and we hadn't made it public that we were even entertaining the possibility.
This meant everything was going to change and we all knew it.
Sure Enough...
(4 weeks)
Apparently I'm not crazy!
Or... well... at least I seem to be pretty in tune with my body.
I ran in to show my husband. He was groggily happy but still asleep and refused to get up and show the enthusiasm I felt the moment demanded.
I called my mom instead.
I told her my dream about the rooms. Her interpretation was that I was a frustrated artist. Then I told her what the other folks had said an ended with that statement. "It turns out my friend was right - I'M PREGNANT".
She was appropriately excited :) ... then she gave me 24 hours before she spilled the beans to my sisters and my grandmother.
I hadn't really counted on that, but I guess I should have seen it coming. We hadn't really discussed if we were going to tell anyone.
Oh well, it's not like I'd be able to keep my mouth shut anyway.
Called my doctor next, they scheduled my first appointment to be in a few weeks. I was surprised, I had assumed they would want me to come in right away and confirm, but apparently that's not how it works. They set up an ultrasound for when I would be about 8 weeks. I didn't expect they'd do one that early. Strange.
Apparently "what I don't know about pregnancy, it a lot".
Apparently I'm not crazy!
Or... well... at least I seem to be pretty in tune with my body.
I ran in to show my husband. He was groggily happy but still asleep and refused to get up and show the enthusiasm I felt the moment demanded.
I called my mom instead.
I told her my dream about the rooms. Her interpretation was that I was a frustrated artist. Then I told her what the other folks had said an ended with that statement. "It turns out my friend was right - I'M PREGNANT".
She was appropriately excited :) ... then she gave me 24 hours before she spilled the beans to my sisters and my grandmother.
I hadn't really counted on that, but I guess I should have seen it coming. We hadn't really discussed if we were going to tell anyone.
Oh well, it's not like I'd be able to keep my mouth shut anyway.
Called my doctor next, they scheduled my first appointment to be in a few weeks. I was surprised, I had assumed they would want me to come in right away and confirm, but apparently that's not how it works. They set up an ultrasound for when I would be about 8 weeks. I didn't expect they'd do one that early. Strange.
Apparently "what I don't know about pregnancy, it a lot".
Pee sticks
It was January 16th. I'd been on birth control since I was 15. I had no idea what my 'normal' cycles might be, but according to and ideal 28 day version... I was 2 days late. I'd been in pain since January 1st. A twinge low on my right side like a runners cramp had been plaguing me for weeks. The only thing that made it let up a bit was snowboarding strangely enough. My boobs were HUGE and so very sore.
Blaine picked me up from work and I sort of mumbled that I may be a few days late. He kept strolling and casually asked if I thought I was pregnant. I tried to match the casual tone and just said "I think it might be a good idea to at least pick up a pregnancy test, it's probably too soon to tell, but it's possible."
We were both excited and nervous.
Now that I had abandoned my birth control was I going to get all wound up and take a test every single month? Again, it seemed impossible that I could really need it. I wondered if I would be happy or sad if it came out negative.
In the aisle I wrestled over what to buy...
Do I go economical or are the expensive ones better?
Can I read that one?
How soon can I expect reliable results?
Do I get just one or go for value with a 10 pack?
I decided a two pack of 'fact plus' was practical - and on Sale! That way, I has back up if I messed up the first one and wasn't overdoing it in case it was positive and I didn't need any more.
I took the test as soon as I got home.
It was ... well... unclear. I could swear there was a light blue line in there making a plus. The instructions said they didn't need to be the same darkness, but was it really there?
My husband took a peek and declared it a negative.
I still wasn't convinced. I couldn't help pulling it back out a few hours later - well beyond the 10 minute reliable evaluation time frame. It's not that I was really hopeful, it's just that I was so sure. By then the faint line I'd thought I had imagined was a thin dark streak and a plus seemed clear to me. But, was it reliable or accurate that long afterward? I read the instructions again, and no - I couldn't trust it at that point, but I also discovered I may have skewed the results by testing at the end of the day.
I decided to wait a few more days. If I was still late, I'd test again but do it first thing in the morning.
Blaine picked me up from work and I sort of mumbled that I may be a few days late. He kept strolling and casually asked if I thought I was pregnant. I tried to match the casual tone and just said "I think it might be a good idea to at least pick up a pregnancy test, it's probably too soon to tell, but it's possible."
We were both excited and nervous.
Now that I had abandoned my birth control was I going to get all wound up and take a test every single month? Again, it seemed impossible that I could really need it. I wondered if I would be happy or sad if it came out negative.
In the aisle I wrestled over what to buy...
Do I go economical or are the expensive ones better?
Can I read that one?
How soon can I expect reliable results?
Do I get just one or go for value with a 10 pack?
I decided a two pack of 'fact plus' was practical - and on Sale! That way, I has back up if I messed up the first one and wasn't overdoing it in case it was positive and I didn't need any more.
I took the test as soon as I got home.
It was ... well... unclear. I could swear there was a light blue line in there making a plus. The instructions said they didn't need to be the same darkness, but was it really there?
My husband took a peek and declared it a negative.
I still wasn't convinced. I couldn't help pulling it back out a few hours later - well beyond the 10 minute reliable evaluation time frame. It's not that I was really hopeful, it's just that I was so sure. By then the faint line I'd thought I had imagined was a thin dark streak and a plus seemed clear to me. But, was it reliable or accurate that long afterward? I read the instructions again, and no - I couldn't trust it at that point, but I also discovered I may have skewed the results by testing at the end of the day.
I decided to wait a few more days. If I was still late, I'd test again but do it first thing in the morning.
Dream 3 - the spider
A few days later I had another strangely vivid dream.
---------------------
I was standing in my kitchen, which (of course!) was Mexican themed. All blue and gold, decorated with gaudy tiles like a chili's restaurant.
I walked through the triple arch doorway into the dining room. It was dark and cozy and had about 6 tall bar tables group closely together. I was worried. I kept scanning around this little restaurant of mine thinking "I really need more space" <-- Seems to be a re-occurring theme.
I noticed a closet door I hadn't seen before. I opened it and discovered a strange storage room. It was painted white with low ceilings and housed the basic utilities. It wasn't much, but I was instantly relieved... it was enough.
I walked to the back of the room and discovered an old collection of tools. Not practical ones like a cordless drill, but big old ones like the tools I used in shop class in junior high. There was a dusty old drill press, a jigsaw and maybe a lathe. I knew I couldn't use these, but as I bent down to examine them closely I thought I could sell them to spruce up this new space a bit.
Then I felt something on my back.
It was big and had some weight, like someone just laid their hand there, but I was alone.
I knew what it was and I tried not to freak out. I screwed my eyes shut and scraped my back against the corner of the wall behind me. It fell of and I tried stomping on it. My eyes were still shut, but I knew what ever it was not being crushed by my blows.
I fumbled around and picked up a shard of glass. Then I reached out and cut it in half. Then I reached into my pockets and pulled out two quart sized plastic bags (of course I have those in my pockets). I dropped each half into it's own bag and zipped them shut.
... then I slowly opened my eyes.
It was a HUGE spider, the body was and big as my palm and the legs were about 8 inches long! But, it was ADORABLE. It looked like a fuzzy Muppet. It had big googly eyes with silly eyebrows like Animal. The body looked like it was made of fake fur and the legs looked like braided yarn. It was all orange and brown and yellow like a bad seventies shag carpet.
I felt really bad. Like I just vivisected fizgig from the dark crystal, and if I'd just been a little braver he could have turned out to be my friend.
---------------------
I didn't ask anyone to interpret this one. I knew it was about new opportunities, facing my fears and making good decisions.
---------------------
I was standing in my kitchen, which (of course!) was Mexican themed. All blue and gold, decorated with gaudy tiles like a chili's restaurant.
I walked through the triple arch doorway into the dining room. It was dark and cozy and had about 6 tall bar tables group closely together. I was worried. I kept scanning around this little restaurant of mine thinking "I really need more space" <-- Seems to be a re-occurring theme.
I noticed a closet door I hadn't seen before. I opened it and discovered a strange storage room. It was painted white with low ceilings and housed the basic utilities. It wasn't much, but I was instantly relieved... it was enough.
I walked to the back of the room and discovered an old collection of tools. Not practical ones like a cordless drill, but big old ones like the tools I used in shop class in junior high. There was a dusty old drill press, a jigsaw and maybe a lathe. I knew I couldn't use these, but as I bent down to examine them closely I thought I could sell them to spruce up this new space a bit.
Then I felt something on my back.
It was big and had some weight, like someone just laid their hand there, but I was alone.
I knew what it was and I tried not to freak out. I screwed my eyes shut and scraped my back against the corner of the wall behind me. It fell of and I tried stomping on it. My eyes were still shut, but I knew what ever it was not being crushed by my blows.
I fumbled around and picked up a shard of glass. Then I reached out and cut it in half. Then I reached into my pockets and pulled out two quart sized plastic bags (of course I have those in my pockets). I dropped each half into it's own bag and zipped them shut.
... then I slowly opened my eyes.
It was a HUGE spider, the body was and big as my palm and the legs were about 8 inches long! But, it was ADORABLE. It looked like a fuzzy Muppet. It had big googly eyes with silly eyebrows like Animal. The body looked like it was made of fake fur and the legs looked like braided yarn. It was all orange and brown and yellow like a bad seventies shag carpet.
I felt really bad. Like I just vivisected fizgig from the dark crystal, and if I'd just been a little braver he could have turned out to be my friend.
---------------------
I didn't ask anyone to interpret this one. I knew it was about new opportunities, facing my fears and making good decisions.
Dream 2 - hidden rooms
About the second week of January I had a really elaborate dream that stayed with me after I woke up...
---------------------------------
I was in my new house, only it was in New England and it was a 2 story Victorian instead of a ranch. The odd thing was the only thing on the first floor was the front door, foyer and stairs leading up. I was disappointed the house didn't have enough storage space, it was just two small bedrooms and a few small closets just like the house I'm in now.
I was walking down the stairs to the front door when I noticed a door I'd never seen. It opened to a bathroom which lead to a small hallway with a bed at the end. The bed was on a platform that stuck out from the house and was all screened in like a pop-up camper. The hallway and bed were all covered in leaves and twigs like a forgotten garden.
The platform bed led to a small narrow office with bad 70's paneling. It had shag carpet, empty book shelves and an old desk. The flooring at the end of the office was soft and as I stood at the end of the room I sunk through.
Below the office was a full finished basement. It was brightly lit with 12 ft ceilings, a fully equipped work bench and more impressively a fully stocked photo studio.
I climbed back up through floor and discovered a small bedroom. This one was decorated like something from the 80's with hot pink walls, cheap shiny black furniture and a small vanity table.
Off the bedroom was a big full bathroom that seemed completely from a different time. The 'toilet' was just a large concrete block with a hole and the shower was a corner of the room with a garden hose. It seemed more like a cell than a bathroom.
Going back into the bedroom I discovered two new doors. One leading back to the foyer and the other to a staircase going down to the basement.
As I left for the foyer again I noticed one last room off to the right with a queen size bed and nothing else.
--------------------------------
I woke up elated that I finally had enough room. I sat there thinking, about the dream and again wondering if it might mean that I actually need more room.
I shared my dream with a few co-workers.
One said dreams of houses are about yourself and rooms are aspects of your personality. She thought the dream was about new year's resolutions and the rooms were things I wanted to work on.
The other said it was more literal. About anxiety over the purchase of our new home, but that our house had hidden potential.
Then I shared my dream with a good friend. She looked at me with a complicated grin and said "A little girl's room huh... I thought maybe that was where this was headed". There was an awkward silence and I can't imagine what my face looked like. It was like she saw right through me - I was embarrassed and excited.
We didn't say any more about it, but that pretty much cinched it for me. I was convinced.
I didn't drink my glass of wine that night - it tasted sour.
---------------------------------
I was in my new house, only it was in New England and it was a 2 story Victorian instead of a ranch. The odd thing was the only thing on the first floor was the front door, foyer and stairs leading up. I was disappointed the house didn't have enough storage space, it was just two small bedrooms and a few small closets just like the house I'm in now.
I was walking down the stairs to the front door when I noticed a door I'd never seen. It opened to a bathroom which lead to a small hallway with a bed at the end. The bed was on a platform that stuck out from the house and was all screened in like a pop-up camper. The hallway and bed were all covered in leaves and twigs like a forgotten garden.
The platform bed led to a small narrow office with bad 70's paneling. It had shag carpet, empty book shelves and an old desk. The flooring at the end of the office was soft and as I stood at the end of the room I sunk through.
Below the office was a full finished basement. It was brightly lit with 12 ft ceilings, a fully equipped work bench and more impressively a fully stocked photo studio.
I climbed back up through floor and discovered a small bedroom. This one was decorated like something from the 80's with hot pink walls, cheap shiny black furniture and a small vanity table.
Off the bedroom was a big full bathroom that seemed completely from a different time. The 'toilet' was just a large concrete block with a hole and the shower was a corner of the room with a garden hose. It seemed more like a cell than a bathroom.
Going back into the bedroom I discovered two new doors. One leading back to the foyer and the other to a staircase going down to the basement.
As I left for the foyer again I noticed one last room off to the right with a queen size bed and nothing else.
--------------------------------
I woke up elated that I finally had enough room. I sat there thinking, about the dream and again wondering if it might mean that I actually need more room.
I shared my dream with a few co-workers.
One said dreams of houses are about yourself and rooms are aspects of your personality. She thought the dream was about new year's resolutions and the rooms were things I wanted to work on.
The other said it was more literal. About anxiety over the purchase of our new home, but that our house had hidden potential.
Then I shared my dream with a good friend. She looked at me with a complicated grin and said "A little girl's room huh... I thought maybe that was where this was headed". There was an awkward silence and I can't imagine what my face looked like. It was like she saw right through me - I was embarrassed and excited.
We didn't say any more about it, but that pretty much cinched it for me. I was convinced.
I didn't drink my glass of wine that night - it tasted sour.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Ringing in 2010
My sister threw a New Year's Party and the theme was absynthe. I remember trying to decide if I was going to join the celebration or not. I remember thinking...
"I don't know if I really am pregnant or not, but this could be the last party I drink at for a year"
My plan was to avoid the absynthe - just in case I was knocked up and wormwood could cause miscarriage.
I DIDN'T plan on drinking myself into a drooling black-out disaster...
but I did.
I wish I'd made a better decision that evening.
I wasn't the first and won't be the last woman to have done that and there is nothing I can do to change it now. What I have read up on the matter seems to all agree that the real concern is continuing to drink through the pregnancy. No problem there, so I think all is well.
"I don't know if I really am pregnant or not, but this could be the last party I drink at for a year"
My plan was to avoid the absynthe - just in case I was knocked up and wormwood could cause miscarriage.
I DIDN'T plan on drinking myself into a drooling black-out disaster...
but I did.
I wish I'd made a better decision that evening.
I wasn't the first and won't be the last woman to have done that and there is nothing I can do to change it now. What I have read up on the matter seems to all agree that the real concern is continuing to drink through the pregnancy. No problem there, so I think all is well.
Dream 1 - the egg
After Christmas I dreamed of conception. I don't remember the day exactly and I just dismissed it knowing I'd just feel foolish later if I told anyone and nothing came of it.
It was just a scene from Innerspace or a Discovery Channel special about an egg and splitting cells.
We had officially 'pulled the goalie' the month prior and this was my first natural cycle. I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was only 16 and since then I spent years adjusting to idea I might never have kids. By 35 I had been on the pill more that half my life to help manage the disease and I pretty much convinced myself I was infertile.
I figured we had a long wait ahead of us if parenthood was even in the cards at all.
I was wrong, but my dream was right.
It was just a scene from Innerspace or a Discovery Channel special about an egg and splitting cells.
We had officially 'pulled the goalie' the month prior and this was my first natural cycle. I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was only 16 and since then I spent years adjusting to idea I might never have kids. By 35 I had been on the pill more that half my life to help manage the disease and I pretty much convinced myself I was infertile.
I figured we had a long wait ahead of us if parenthood was even in the cards at all.
I was wrong, but my dream was right.
Getting started.
My father has been encouraging me to keep a journal of my experiences. I don't assume that anyone will find this journal anything but a self indulgent collection of complaints and gushiness, but I actually think it will be nice to write it all down. I'm not sure if I will ever share the link or let anyone I actually know read this... we'll see.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)