All Grown Up

(Week 32)

I once thought achieving "grown-up" status was as simple as moving out and signing your first rental agreement. I always looked forward to my 30th birthday because I imagined that by then I would have acquired grace and poise. When it came to parenthood, I assumed all those parents around me were just more mature and put together than me. Turns out I was wrong. They are just people with kids and sometimes they are just as big a kid themselves.

I've been in a few situations now when I'm in a public place with crying babies and someone will look me dead in the eye and say "Are you ready for that"?

Truth is, I'm not "ready" and I'm never gonna be, but I'll adapt, I'll cope and I'll get by just fine.

We just finished a birthing class at the hospital and I found it amusing that I was able to come to grips with my fears of labor and delivery pretty easily, but when they briefly covered infant care I literally broke out in a cold sweat. When everyone was watching the videos of the newborn homecomings with excitement and giddiness I was starting to employ some of our new pain management techniques to go to my 'happy place' and avoid the 'fear cycle'.

It will be fine, I know I'll figure it out, but there is no preparing for this bit, it's just diving in a doing.

I don't have baby dreams.

Instead I still have high octane adventure dreams of complex plots in exotic lands, but no baby dreams. I think it's just because I have zero experience to draw from. I have NO idea what to expect and no expectations for what it may be like, but I do seem to be preparing myself for a fast paced adventure filled with pitfalls and split second decisions.

Maybe I should add a fedora and bullwhip to my baby registry, too bad no one would get the joke but me... and maybe you now :)

So, for now I've set aside the library of baby books and decided to focus on what I can do to cater to my nesting instinct. For me apparently this means investing in wood furniture and a Mazda CX9. I'm really excited! I may not know how to burp this kid, but I'm confident he'll have a nice dresser that should last a lifetime, a TV center that he can't get into, and a car big enough to hold him, our dog, and all of our camping gear!

This all calms me by making me feel a bit more grown-up and prepared even though it really is just a state of mind.

I have the dumb

(week 31)



For months people have been making jokes about 'pregnesia' and 'baby brain' and I've just laughed because forgetfulness and lack of attention are just a way of life for me. Sure, it's nice to have an excuse why I've lost my keys, misplaced my wallet, forgotten my phone or left my purse behind - but that's just me on a good day. On a bad day I misplace my snowboard, leave my camera on a rock, completely lose my car and forget where I left my dog.

What has been regrettably obvious for weeks though is my new talent for dropping things. It's really a cruel side effect. Seems as though right when bending over to pick things up became virtually impossible, I began dropping just about everything I touched. Ir's not just drop either, it's more like things launch out of my hand as if there is some sort of eject button hidden in my palm.

I woke up a few days ago with the alarm clock blaring and launched it off the nightstand when I tried to shut it off, then dropped the glass of water as I reached out to take a sip, pulled the lamp over when I tried to turn it on and managed to knock over all the books as I tried to get up to clean up the mess. This is typical! I was always a bit clumsy and absent minded but now I'm a slapstick comedy routine.

I thought all this was bad enough, but over the last few days - it happened... the baby ate my brain!

I suddenly lost all my energy, started napping again and suddenly got DUMB!

I really didn't think I could get any worse, but I DID! It's completely mortifying. At work I'm scheduling meetings for things we did the day before and accusing people of neglecting to loop me in on things we just met about. I feel like an Alzheimer's patient roaming the halls and I'm a friggin Project Manager!!! Everyone is looking to me to tell them what to do next and I don't know what day it is or what what we just did!!!

Ugh.

I have the dumb and it is mighty!

Luckily I have spent years developing systems to allow me to thrive in my forgetfulness. So, I already have tools in place to help me function. Unfortunately I seem to have lost the ability to seem collected and put together in front of coworkers and strangers. Now the checklists, sticky notes, alerts and alarms that use to help me save face are just enough to keep me from failing completely as I blunder along.

*sigh*