Non-alcoholic Bellyshots

Okay, I haven't posted anything yet, but I'm not kidding I'm an early bloomer.

This first one is at 8 weeks when I made some friends take me dancing since I knew it was the last time I'd fit into this dress.



This next one is three weeks later from tonight. Quite a difference!



I really wasn't kidding when I said I had to go shopping! My belly grew 3 inches in 3 weeks - craziness.

I blame cheese.

Maybe this is just my normal belly only now I'm proud of it instead of sucking in :)

Wishbone

(week 10)

Nothing really eventful this week. I feel great, totally normal actually. My ravenous appetite has tapered off and I've been sleeping like normal. My belly is getting noticeable, I'm glad our next appointment is coming up soon. I've been waiting to hear that heartbeat for the first time before I break the news at work, but it's starting to get a little hard to hide.

Since there isn't any news, I think I'll tell the story of the wishbone this time.

This Christmas we stayed home and invited all of our friends over to our house for Christmas Eve. It was a huge feast and the greedy secret behind it is that we really wanted an excuse to cook a HUGE turkey so we could finally enjoy leftovers in our own home.

All went well, it was a wonderful time & we saved the wishbone.

A few weeks ago Blaine comes up (yes, I've given up the anonymity and started sharing this with a few people) with this huge grin on his face and offers up the wish bone.

"You don't have to tell me, I know what your wish is" I tell him.
"Yeah... I'm wishing for a boy, now grab your end - it's time!" he says back.

I wrap my pinky around my end, close my eyes and wish "*I just want a happy healthy baby*.

We pull and nothing happens.

We pull again and it shatters into a dozen pieces.

-sigh-

Dream 5 : Tsunami Party

Okay, I've started sleeping again YAY!

This one wasn't too clear, I only remember bits and pieces, but here they are...

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I'm in a room in a family room of some run-down basement apartment we are living in. It's pretty bare, but our friends have offered to come over and help us fix it up.

Next thing I know it's a party, about a dozen of our closest friends are there all drinking and laughing and painting the walls, hanging curtains, hanging the pictures....

I look into the kitchen and notice out our little basement windows that there is a wall of water coming our way!

I scramble into the bedroom to pull out the suitcase - and tie it on top of the fridge. For some reason it's VITAL that this case stays dry!

The wave hits - water shatters the windows and pours into the apartment. Everyone is tossed around and all the paint is washed off the walls.

Then the water recedes like a wave does on shore.

Everyone is still laughing - like it was expected and they all just pick up where they left off, and re-do all the work that just got undone.

I glance up at the fridge relieved to find the suitcase is dry.

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I've heard water dreams are common during pregnancy... but WEIRD!

Dream 4 : Tripod dog

I had hoped that this journal would largely contain a collection of wacky dreams, but I've discovered that insomnia doesn't really aid in the dreaming department.

I did have one that stuck with me yesterday though.

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I was sitting on my front porch and my husband had taken the dog out for a walk. The cat had followed along behind them like he often does.

It had been a long time since they left and I was wondering where they all went. I whistled to call them back. The building directly across from me was a three story apartment building with a steeply gabled roof. As I whistled I saw the cat come running down the roof followed by the dog. Cat jumps from the roof edge to a balcony to a tree and down to the street Dog follows and plummets to the street. Poor guy comes limping up on three legs, his front left leg is all bent up under him and broken.

I shout and shout for Blaine to come help but he's no where to be found.

I rush inside trying to find my keys and look up the nearest emergency vet. I'm mad at myself for not just knowing that information off the top of my head. Meanwhile the dog has adjusted to his new predicament and just keeps running up, dropping toys at my feet and dashing off to fetch them all three legged and happy as can be. I can't get him to settle down.

He's insane! Surely he must be in pain... what and odd creature.

___________________

Vitamin C O.D.

(week 9)

I don't think I've mentioned yet that I'm also in school. Luckily the test confirmed things the same day I had to decide if I as going to drop any classes. I scaled back a little and I'm only taking two classes this semester, but sometimes even that is overwhelming. Between work and school most of my 'free time' is spent on the computer at home trying to meet deadlines. My house is a mess, my friends think I'm a hermit and I'm still barely keeping on top of everything.

This week I started to lose the battle. I woke up Monday morning with a cold. I stayed in, worked from home. The worst part is that the only thing I can take for it at this point is tylenol and a glass or orange juice - YAY.

I decided I had a few more tricks up my sleeve though. I went out and got Thai food take-out, a metric ton of produce and my secret weapon - pomegranate auice. A steady stream of super spicy coconut chicken soup, curry, citrus, and POM coupled with regimen of salt water gargle and nasal irrigation seem to have done the trick. Sounds lovely doesn't it?

Anyway, made it through the week and seem to be on the back side of the cold now.

... back to studying.

Craving this week: kiwi & calamata olives (not together though)

Pet Peeve: Having to waiting two more weeks to take Robitussin or Sudafed

Lesson Learned: My dog sleeps in a sun beam on the kitchen table when he thinks no one is home

To do list : Buy a humidifier

Dresses = more fun

(week 8)

Since confirming the bun is actually IN the oven, my pain has magically dissipated. Sometimes I think staying off the internet and not reading up on things may be the better way to go.

So far so good. Still dodging any sign of morning sickness. I'm losing weight despite my ravenous appetite. I call it my baby diet. I somehow seem to have managed to drop six pounds but still grow out of all my pants at the same time. It's like all the fat left is melting off my thighs and piling onto my belly and chest.

Weird.

I really shouldn't spend money on new clothes this early, but I'm out of options. It's not like I can wear pajama pants to work!

Bought two pairs of overpriced pants that I decided to return after I got home. Then went out to Ross with a gift certificate and splurged on a pair of elastic top dress pants and about 8 new dresses! Much more fun then goofy denim, and I think the dresses should work just about the entire time.

So far I haven't been my normal moody self. I don't know if it's the vitamins (my doctor has me on fish oil in addition to prenatals to help balance my moods) or the hormones or what, but I've been unnaturally calm and happy. It's strange. Then again, I did cry during an episode of family guy the other day, can't say that's exactly normal.

Craving this week: Cheese (any form... cheesecake, cheddar, fetta, cheezits - you name it)

Pet Peeve: People making obvious comments around others I haven't told yet.

Lesson Learned: If you are going to tell anyone, be ready to tell everyone.

To do list : Buy a scale.

First appointment

(week 7)

After the ultrasound drama it was all easy. The only hard part about the first appointment was staying awake lying on the table while I waited an hour for the doctor to be available.

Apparently, the downside of an OBGYN is sometimes they have their hands full delivering babies and such - go figure!

Everything checked out normal. She didn't have an answer about the pain, but with the ultrasound results she had no concerns. She recommended me to a physical therapist in case my back pain was actually a pinched nerve and the root cause of it all.

Just had an annual pap and give up a gallon of blood for testing.

Oh - then I had the brilliant idea to ask if it was okay for me to snowboard. *LAME*

Of course - her answer was "No". I tried to reason with her, saying that I'd take it easy and stay off the moguls and out of the trees, but her rationale was that there was too big a risk from other skiers on the mountain and a crash could be damaging to the baby.

Ugh... I was counting on riding out the rest of the season.
She gave me a note to help me try to get reimbursed for my pass.

I was perfectly willing to ignore the advice and just take it easy on the hill, I mean I take a bigger risk getting behind the wheel of a car everyday!

I shared my doctor's concerns with my husband and his feeling was it just wasn't worth the risk. I could avoid the hill for a season, but I couldn't avoid driving around.

I'm a big girl, I know he's right, but I'm still disappointed. Oh well, it's not like we were getting any good snow this season.
*sigh*

I had really hoped that parenthood wouldn't impact my lifestyle so immediately - color me naive.

Ultrasound drama

(week 7)

I spent the weekend in pain. The pain in my side felt like it was worse, it felt like some one was stabbing me with an accupunture needle in my belly. I kept surfing blogs and websites and it seemed fairly common for women to complain of strange pains during pregnancy. Medical sites reassured countless women that this was normal and not a concern as long as the pain wasn't on one side or accompanied by rhythmic cramping.

Well, that didn't reassure me at all - it only alarmed me more - I had exactly those things. The cramps were the worst - really low across the pubic bone, they had me doubled up at times. The only thing I've felt like that before was the cramps I used to associate with my endometriosis. When I was in high school, I used to have intense cramps that would make me freeze in place, gasp for air while waves of burning pain radiating out from my womb to the top of my head and tips of my toes. The ones I felt now were different, but equally intense.

I kept imagining that the baby was stuck in my fallopian tube and everything was bulging, ready to burst. I kept trying to dismiss this and stay calm, but I did more research and found out that it's not uncommon for endometriosis to cause blockages that cause infertility or ectopic pregnancies.

That did it!

I stayed home Monday morning and called my doctor's office. I explained my history & symptoms and the receptionist handed me off to a nurse. The nurse had me waiting for hours. I gave up and went into the office, only to get a call back during a meeting. They wanted me to come in right away, but their ultrasound technician was out that day, so they wanted me to go to the hospital for the test instead.

I was happy to be going in early, but I was sure it wasn't going to go well. My husband couldn't join me on the last minute trip and I was a ball of nervous. I flew into my boss' office - she asked me if everything was okay since I'd been sick that morning. I was a jittering teary eyed mess - I just blurted out "Well, I'm preggers and I'm off to the doctor to see if the bugger's about to kill me - so NO".

-slick- Not the announcement I'd had in mind... sometimes I wish there was a rewind button.

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"Drink at least 16oz of water and don't go to the bathroom before the test."

I HATE THE EVIL ENTITIES THAT PLANNED THAT ONE. Seriously! By the time I sat in the waiting area for an hour I was about to EXPLODE! I had to practically threaten to pee on the check-in counter before nurse 'nazi' would tell me where the bathroom was. I think she could sense murder in my eyes so she eventually conceded after I *promised* I'd only go a little bit. By the way... in case you were wondering, stopping you pee mid stream when you bladder is about to pop is an extraordinary demonstration of self control.

Half an hour later I tip toed into the testing room, crawled onto the table only to have the technician exclaim "My! Your bladder is so full it's crushing everything, I can't see a thing, I'm going to have to ask you to go to the bathroom first."

.... I couldn't decide if I wanted to strangle her - or kiss her...
I settled for wiping the goo off my belly, pulling up my pants and gratefully waddling to the toilet.

I came back much relieved but no less perturbed.

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Technicians aren't supposed to comment on what they see in a test, but I could see the screen and she could sense my nervousness.

"Baby looks normal and implanted safely in the uterus".

PHEW!

FOOD!

Looking back I totally messed up the 'no alcohol' thing early on, I even dyed my hair which maybe wasn't the best idea... but what I got right was the food.

January 3rd was the last day of my holiday vacation and I spent the day on a shopping spree. I must have been only about 2.5 weeks and I was obsessed with food. I stocked up on an unusual amount of produce and I went on a search for some odd items.

I wanted liver. I haven't eaten liver in at least a decade, but it sounded so good to me. I found a vitamin cottage and decided that organic liver was IMPORTANT. I also scored some hard to find pro-biotic sauerkraut which was inexplicably tantalizing.

I stocked my cube at work with milk, celery, oranges, apples, grapefruit (ahhh.. the glorious citrus), kiwi, nuts, crackers, cereal, oatmeal. You name it. I was eating about every two hours, I just couldn't keep myself from snacking.

I planned out a whole German meal that week. I made fresh knockwurst with gobs of sauerkraut, and potato pancakes with applesauce and sour cream. In case you are wondering... I had NEVER cooked any of those things EVER before. It can't explain how delicious it was.

The next week I invited my sister over for liver and onions. She's the only person I know who loves the stuff. I was really looking forward to it. She loved it. I... well I ate it all. The next morning was the about the only time I felt any nausea. Looking back, the day I wanted liver was right at about 3 - 3.5 weeks when the major organs and liver are first forming. Apparently I needed some extra iron... coincidence?

Since then I've been lucky and haven't discovered any food aversions yet, just odd cravings. I don't have much of a sweet tooth normally, but I've been dipping into the candy stash at work and even followed up my dinner with dessert here and there.

Last week it was fresh red bell peppers and anchovies. I made myself puttanesca two days in a row and loaded it with the silly little fish. I can't describe how satisfying it was!

So far..

(6 weeks)

So far I've been pretty lucky. I'm hungry and I've craved a few strange things (more on that to come), but that's about it.
Occasionally I haven't felt well, but no overwhelming nausea, no headaches, no exhaustion.

Kind of the opposite, I have insomnia. I haven't really slept in weeks.

Already had to give up sleeping on my belly, not because of a belly per se, but because my boobs are out of control and they hurt like hell!

Actually I'd say that's my symptom - pain.

The pain in my side seems less frequent but more severe. My back is killing me too and I can't even have anyone hug me right now because the pain in my chest just makes me want to punch them.

Tahoe

Spent a long weekend in Tahoe with my Uncle and his family. The snow was incredible they just had a storm that dumped four feet the day before we got there! My husband, sister and brother-in law spent the evenings dropping hints here and there and I spent the evening drinking non-alcoholic beer *sigh*. After dinner we broke the news. Spent the rest of the night and all the next day all tossing out name ideas. It was really fun!

Even came up with a name idea we all liked... gonna keep that one to myself a little longer though ;)

Rabbit bet

Dropped the dog off with some friends and headed to my sister's house for our trip to Lake Tahoe.

On the way, I asked my husband how we should break the news to my sister and her husband.

He says "We should tell them the rabbit died."

WHAT!?

He looks at me like I'm crazy - apparently everyone knows this colloquialism.

Sure, I'd heard the Aerosmith line "the rabbit done died" but I never guessed it alluded to pregnancy.

I was sure that my sister wouldn't know the term. I mean - we grew up together. Certainly she would have taught me this grisly term somewhere along the line - that's how these things work! I bet on it.
... I lost.

They knew exactly what it meant. It was instant smiles and congratulations.

It was all a bit awkward really - I mean we aren't really the traditional parenting type and we hadn't made it public that we were even entertaining the possibility.

This meant everything was going to change and we all knew it.

Sure Enough...

(4 weeks)

Apparently I'm not crazy!
Or... well... at least I seem to be pretty in tune with my body.



I ran in to show my husband. He was groggily happy but still asleep and refused to get up and show the enthusiasm I felt the moment demanded.

I called my mom instead.

I told her my dream about the rooms. Her interpretation was that I was a frustrated artist. Then I told her what the other folks had said an ended with that statement. "It turns out my friend was right - I'M PREGNANT".

She was appropriately excited :) ... then she gave me 24 hours before she spilled the beans to my sisters and my grandmother.

I hadn't really counted on that, but I guess I should have seen it coming. We hadn't really discussed if we were going to tell anyone.

Oh well, it's not like I'd be able to keep my mouth shut anyway.

Called my doctor next, they scheduled my first appointment to be in a few weeks. I was surprised, I had assumed they would want me to come in right away and confirm, but apparently that's not how it works. They set up an ultrasound for when I would be about 8 weeks. I didn't expect they'd do one that early. Strange.

Apparently "what I don't know about pregnancy, it a lot".

Pee sticks

It was January 16th. I'd been on birth control since I was 15. I had no idea what my 'normal' cycles might be, but according to and ideal 28 day version... I was 2 days late. I'd been in pain since January 1st. A twinge low on my right side like a runners cramp had been plaguing me for weeks. The only thing that made it let up a bit was snowboarding strangely enough. My boobs were HUGE and so very sore.

Blaine picked me up from work and I sort of mumbled that I may be a few days late. He kept strolling and casually asked if I thought I was pregnant. I tried to match the casual tone and just said "I think it might be a good idea to at least pick up a pregnancy test, it's probably too soon to tell, but it's possible."

We were both excited and nervous.

Now that I had abandoned my birth control was I going to get all wound up and take a test every single month? Again, it seemed impossible that I could really need it. I wondered if I would be happy or sad if it came out negative.

In the aisle I wrestled over what to buy...
Do I go economical or are the expensive ones better?
Can I read that one?
How soon can I expect reliable results?
Do I get just one or go for value with a 10 pack?

I decided a two pack of 'fact plus' was practical - and on Sale! That way, I has back up if I messed up the first one and wasn't overdoing it in case it was positive and I didn't need any more.

I took the test as soon as I got home.

It was ... well... unclear. I could swear there was a light blue line in there making a plus. The instructions said they didn't need to be the same darkness, but was it really there?

My husband took a peek and declared it a negative.

I still wasn't convinced. I couldn't help pulling it back out a few hours later - well beyond the 10 minute reliable evaluation time frame. It's not that I was really hopeful, it's just that I was so sure. By then the faint line I'd thought I had imagined was a thin dark streak and a plus seemed clear to me. But, was it reliable or accurate that long afterward? I read the instructions again, and no - I couldn't trust it at that point, but I also discovered I may have skewed the results by testing at the end of the day.

I decided to wait a few more days. If I was still late, I'd test again but do it first thing in the morning.

Dream 3 - the spider

A few days later I had another strangely vivid dream.

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I was standing in my kitchen, which (of course!) was Mexican themed. All blue and gold, decorated with gaudy tiles like a chili's restaurant.

I walked through the triple arch doorway into the dining room. It was dark and cozy and had about 6 tall bar tables group closely together. I was worried. I kept scanning around this little restaurant of mine thinking "I really need more space" <-- Seems to be a re-occurring theme.

I noticed a closet door I hadn't seen before. I opened it and discovered a strange storage room. It was painted white with low ceilings and housed the basic utilities. It wasn't much, but I was instantly relieved... it was enough.

I walked to the back of the room and discovered an old collection of tools. Not practical ones like a cordless drill, but big old ones like the tools I used in shop class in junior high. There was a dusty old drill press, a jigsaw and maybe a lathe. I knew I couldn't use these, but as I bent down to examine them closely I thought I could sell them to spruce up this new space a bit.

Then I felt something on my back.

It was big and had some weight, like someone just laid their hand there, but I was alone.

I knew what it was and I tried not to freak out. I screwed my eyes shut and scraped my back against the corner of the wall behind me. It fell of and I tried stomping on it. My eyes were still shut, but I knew what ever it was not being crushed by my blows.

I fumbled around and picked up a shard of glass. Then I reached out and cut it in half. Then I reached into my pockets and pulled out two quart sized plastic bags (of course I have those in my pockets). I dropped each half into it's own bag and zipped them shut.

... then I slowly opened my eyes.

It was a HUGE spider, the body was and big as my palm and the legs were about 8 inches long! But, it was ADORABLE. It looked like a fuzzy Muppet. It had big googly eyes with silly eyebrows like Animal. The body looked like it was made of fake fur and the legs looked like braided yarn. It was all orange and brown and yellow like a bad seventies shag carpet.

I felt really bad. Like I just vivisected fizgig from the dark crystal, and if I'd just been a little braver he could have turned out to be my friend.



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I didn't ask anyone to interpret this one. I knew it was about new opportunities, facing my fears and making good decisions.

Dream 2 - hidden rooms

About the second week of January I had a really elaborate dream that stayed with me after I woke up...

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I was in my new house, only it was in New England and it was a 2 story Victorian instead of a ranch. The odd thing was the only thing on the first floor was the front door, foyer and stairs leading up. I was disappointed the house didn't have enough storage space, it was just two small bedrooms and a few small closets just like the house I'm in now.

I was walking down the stairs to the front door when I noticed a door I'd never seen. It opened to a bathroom which lead to a small hallway with a bed at the end. The bed was on a platform that stuck out from the house and was all screened in like a pop-up camper. The hallway and bed were all covered in leaves and twigs like a forgotten garden.

The platform bed led to a small narrow office with bad 70's paneling. It had shag carpet, empty book shelves and an old desk. The flooring at the end of the office was soft and as I stood at the end of the room I sunk through.

Below the office was a full finished basement. It was brightly lit with 12 ft ceilings, a fully equipped work bench and more impressively a fully stocked photo studio.

I climbed back up through floor and discovered a small bedroom. This one was decorated like something from the 80's with hot pink walls, cheap shiny black furniture and a small vanity table.

Off the bedroom was a big full bathroom that seemed completely from a different time. The 'toilet' was just a large concrete block with a hole and the shower was a corner of the room with a garden hose. It seemed more like a cell than a bathroom.

Going back into the bedroom I discovered two new doors. One leading back to the foyer and the other to a staircase going down to the basement.

As I left for the foyer again I noticed one last room off to the right with a queen size bed and nothing else.
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I woke up elated that I finally had enough room. I sat there thinking, about the dream and again wondering if it might mean that I actually need more room.

I shared my dream with a few co-workers.

One said dreams of houses are about yourself and rooms are aspects of your personality. She thought the dream was about new year's resolutions and the rooms were things I wanted to work on.

The other said it was more literal. About anxiety over the purchase of our new home, but that our house had hidden potential.

Then I shared my dream with a good friend. She looked at me with a complicated grin and said "A little girl's room huh... I thought maybe that was where this was headed". There was an awkward silence and I can't imagine what my face looked like. It was like she saw right through me - I was embarrassed and excited.

We didn't say any more about it, but that pretty much cinched it for me. I was convinced.

I didn't drink my glass of wine that night - it tasted sour.

Ringing in 2010

My sister threw a New Year's Party and the theme was absynthe. I remember trying to decide if I was going to join the celebration or not. I remember thinking...
"I don't know if I really am pregnant or not, but this could be the last party I drink at for a year"
My plan was to avoid the absynthe - just in case I was knocked up and wormwood could cause miscarriage.

I DIDN'T plan on drinking myself into a drooling black-out disaster...

but I did.

I wish I'd made a better decision that evening.

I wasn't the first and won't be the last woman to have done that and there is nothing I can do to change it now. What I have read up on the matter seems to all agree that the real concern is continuing to drink through the pregnancy. No problem there, so I think all is well.

Dream 1 - the egg

After Christmas I dreamed of conception. I don't remember the day exactly and I just dismissed it knowing I'd just feel foolish later if I told anyone and nothing came of it.

It was just a scene from Innerspace or a Discovery Channel special about an egg and splitting cells.

We had officially 'pulled the goalie' the month prior and this was my first natural cycle. I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was only 16 and since then I spent years adjusting to idea I might never have kids. By 35 I had been on the pill more that half my life to help manage the disease and I pretty much convinced myself I was infertile.

I figured we had a long wait ahead of us if parenthood was even in the cards at all.

I was wrong, but my dream was right.

Getting started.

My father has been encouraging me to keep a journal of my experiences. I don't assume that anyone will find this journal anything but a self indulgent collection of complaints and gushiness, but I actually think it will be nice to write it all down. I'm not sure if I will ever share the link or let anyone I actually know read this... we'll see.