I'm fine.
I was sick for a bit, then I was sad... more sad than I expected, apparently hormones are powerful things. It wasn't focused like mourning. It was just general sadness over our loss of innocence and a sense of unattained potential. For us, this pregnancy was like buying a lottery ticket. It gave us license to dream up wild possibilities for our future that were drastically different from our current life. In the end, we never really thought we'd win, but it was the dream that was important.
I'd been expecting a poor outcome based on my dreams, my pain and the lack of symptoms; so it wasn't really a surprise. I had actually started this blog just as a diary for myself. After the first ultrasound it all began to seem real or possible. I tried to set aside my superstitions and start to wrap my brain around the idea that we were going to be parents. We got caught up in the excitement and shared the news with more people than intended. But, then... I tend to be share everything about my life, so I wouldn't have done anything different. My lesson is that while it helped me cope, it made it harder for those around me. I wish I had not put so many others through that. My family... well, I wouldn't face any challenge without them at my side, so sorry... but you're in for what ever comes our way. I knew we could handle it with support, but I'm not sure everyone we told was prepared to carry the burden. I feel a little guilty for causing any distress and concern and despite my open book policy - I can start to understand the merit of withholding information.
I've had enough people share stories so I knew miscarriage before 12 weeks was common, but I never knew HOW common. The data is confusing, they usually say that there is always a 10% chance but then some quotes state that first trimester miscarriages is as high as 25%, and that only accounts for the reported cased. Some sites postulate that the true number is as high as 50% if you count the number unreported or chemical pregnancies that end without the mother ever knowing. Odds like just makes you realize what a miracle parenthood really is.
Regardless... it was amazing how many women reached out to me to share their stories and let me know they had been through it too. In some ways I was sad that none of them had shared this before. It really was encouraging to hear the stories. Almost all of the women I know who've miscarried are mothers. Of course, there are some factors that skew that a bit, but it seems that most couples eventually succeed in having children if that's their goal.
So... when I can lift my head above the hormonal fog, I'm actually happy. I didn't think I'd ever conceive, so CAN I GET A HELL YEAH, cause that fear that I carried for so long is gone. Also, we were getting overwhelmed and felt pinched for time. Now we have an opportunity to get a little more prepared so things won't be so hectic. Most importantly... we know we're ready - at least for the first step.
That's the problem now. Before there was nothing to lose. No expectations, no real intention, we were expecting to 'give it a shot' and walk away perfectly happy regardless what the outcome.
Now... there's investment, emotion, risk... and baggage.
The challenge now is to be patient (something I'm notoriously bad at) and find a way to stay positive.
Did I mention my glorious husband talked me into investing in some professional photo equipment?
Nothing like chasing a dream for distraction... that and playing the lottery from time to time :)
Anyone up for a photoshoot?
